Waterworld

During my time as a projectionist there was a spate of futuristic dystopian films all released within weeks of each other: Tank Girl (already covered in this blog), Judge Dredd, and this, the most expensive film ever made (at the time), Waterworld.

Waterworld was cursed from the beginning, and primed to fail by critics and reviewers even before filming had been completed. There were reports of onset arguments, tales of Costner living a life of luxury while the other cast & crew were housed in shacks without air-con, and even weather problems, as high winds, rain & hurricanes buffeted the sets. One storm even destroyed an entire set, resulting in a sub-plot about slavers having to be discarded. 

In all honesty though, what was seen as a vanity project after star Kevin Costner & director Kevin Reynolds took the reins on what was meant to be a kids adventure movie (a kind of Mad Max meets the Goonies) is actually not that bad.

Many still point to the huge budget, over $175m, as being massively excessive, and, while they're right, it has to be said that that's been surpassed many times since then. And, unlike so many other films with similarly huge budgets, you can really see where the money went in Waterworld. The sets & effects are fantastic.

Interestingly, Waterworld is also not the huge loss-making flop that many still view it as. It actually turned a small profit, especially once released on VHS (& later DVD) and watching it now, it stands up as a decent film.

We open with the Universal logo, a spinning planet Earth than film-goers know well. Only this time the land starts to disappear under the water as the polar ice-caps melt. A booming voice over tells us that this is "The future... [I don't think it's mentioned, but it's meant to be 2500]. The polar ice caps have melted, covering the earth with water. Those who survived have adapted, to a new world."

We zoom down to the planet to see a cup, perched on a rusty trimaran, and Costner's Mariner is peeing in it. Probably the only big budget film to start with such an opening scene.

The Mariner then takes his pee, pours it into a filtration device, and after it's done what it needs to do, he takes a drink of the resultant clear fluid, then spits whats left onto a small lime tree. While water may be everywhere, it's clear that the drinkable stuff is in short supply.

The Mariner then dives overboard, while the camera then takes a tour of the boat, showing us the various present-day stuff that he has accumulated over time.

While he's underwater we see a hand reach out & pluck the limes from his tree, then , when he eventually surfaces, carrying a pair of boots & leaving a glass jar floating in the water, we see a boat moored up alongside the trimaran & a fellow sailor aboard.

The two talk & the other sailor speaks of an atoll, 8 days sailing away from where they are, and where he was able to find supplies. The other sailor also talks of the amount of time the Mariner was underwater, to which he offers as a reason that his hull is damaged and has an air pocket, enabling him to stay under for longer. It's worth remembering that bit.

While the two talk they are watched by a group of unsavoury looking characters on rusty jet-skis (everything is rusty in Waterworld); the other sailor spots them & makes ready to leave, recognising them as Smokers, the film's antagonists. As he does so he reveals that he did board the Mariner's craft & steal his limes. Costner is torn between escape, revenge & retrieval of his glass jar, but his boat is so well crafted & fast that he's able to do all three. While getting away he runs his trimaran over the other boat, toppling its mast & leaving the lime thief to the Smokers.

Later, presumably 8 days later, the Mariner reaches the atoll, an impressively large circular fortress floating in the sea. It's in sets like this that the film's budget is so visibly on display. Blocked from getting in by the atoll's gatekeeper the Mariner reaches for the jar that he saved from the skirmish with the Smokers & shows what's inside: it's dirt, a valuable commodity in Waterworld.

The gatekeeper lets him in & he sails in to dock his craft. Whilst doing so he passes a funeral, in which a dead woman is tipped into a slimy substance, presumably to rot away into some form of compost.

The Mariner trades his dirt for what we can assume to be a substantial amount of "chits", such is its value, and walks to the nearby store.

Here we meet Nord, played by Northern Irish actor Gerard Murphy. He's being told by another character (credited as a "Hydroholic") that one of the children of the atoll has a map tattooed on her back, a map that leads to the mythical "dry land".

The Mariner orders a couple of glasses of "hydro" & a tomato plant from the bartender, Helen, played by Jeanne Tripplehorn, an actress who was ubiquitous in the 90s. While he's at the bar Nord sidles up to him to ask him for a glass of hydro (he refuses), offers to buy his boots (he refuses) then they both watch as Helen's young daughter Enola enters, the aforementioned tattoo on her back clearly visible.

After the Mariner rids himself of Nord - "why are you still talking to me?" - Helen asks him if he's seen dry land, to which he replies that, after 15 months at sea, he hasn't.

As the Mariner returns to his boat with what little supplies he has managed to get, he's approached by a number of villagers, asking him to impregnate a young girl. He refuses. This raises the suspicions of the villagers, who now suspect of him of being a Smoker spy. 

I'm not sure of the logic here, are the Smokers celibate? Or gay? It's not made clear. 

They attack him & find that he has gills behind his ears, signifying that he's a mutation, and explains why he was able to spend so long underwater earlier.

After a fight with some of the locals the resident lawman, The Enforcer, intervenes & arrests the Mariner for disturbing the peace, before imprisoning him in a cage.

Later that night Helen, Enola & an elderly villager named Gregor discuss how to interpret Enola's tattoos. Gregor suggests that the Mariner might know so goes to speak to him, whilst confirming that, as well as gills, Costner's character also has webbed toes, and rather poorly conceived, rubbery webbed toes at that.

The Mariner offers Gregor nothing and the next day he's found guilty of being a spy & sentenced to be lowered into the same gloop that the dead woman was tipped into earlier, for "recycling". The Enforcer apologises for this, making it clear to the Mariner that he had nothing to do with the decision.

While Costner, still in his cage, is being lowered into the slime a lookout spots a flotilla of Smokers approaching & sounds the alarm. They attack, and it becomes apparent that there was a Smoker spy in the atoll, but it was Nord, not the Mariner.

The Smokers' leader, the Deacon (Dennis Hopper, seemingly having the time of his life) barks instructions to his troops & they attack with machine guns, steer jet-skis over ramps & under the water into the atoll itself, even ramming the atoll's walls in kamikaze attacks. They kill many of the atoll-dwellers as they do, who can only respond with ineffective water cannons & the occasional fireball from a trebuchet.

An attack on Gregor's home has the effect of prematurely launching his hot air balloon. Gregor manages to climb aboard, but despite his best efforts to save them he leaves Helen & Enola behind. They then turn to the Mariner, still stuck in a cage partially submerged in slime, and offer to free him in return for him getting them to safety. He agrees and is freed from the cage. 

There follows a complex & really quite impressive series of stunts in which Costner uses various ropes & pulleys to get to his boat, opens the atoll's gates, kill a few dozen Smokers, rescue Helen & Enola, harpoon one of the Smoker gunboats & pulls it around so that it attacks its own, destroying the Deacon's command boat as he does, and get away.

During the battle the Deacon makes it clear that he despises sail boats; the heavy polluting, inefficient engines of the Smokers' crafts being more to his liking, and the reason for their name.

With the battle over the remaining Smokers take control of the atoll. As Nord commands all men to search for the tattooed girl the Deacon arrives, minus his left eye. They torture two captives into revealing that Enola left with "a muto", i.e. Costner's Mariner.  After promising that he wouldn't kill the man who revealed the whereabouts of the girl, the Deacon then gets Nord to do it for him, before joking that they need to "keep an eye out" for him. He's missing an eye, see?

Perhaps one of Waterworld's shortcomings is that Hopper's Deacon is quite a comical character. He cracks jokes throughout, and where he's meant to appear threatening he doesn't quite manage it. He's just not that malevolent, and his army of Smokers wouldn't look out of place in a slapstick comedy.

Waterworld is often compared to the Mad Max films (I've even done it myself here), but where those films had some truly terrifying villains, Deacon & the Smokers just don't seem that scary. Nord is probably the only truly villainous one of the group, as we'll see later.

On the his boat the Mariner is telling Helen that Enola has to go over the side as he doesn't have enough water & supplies for all three of them. Helen tries to reason with him, even to the point of stripping off & offering herself to him, which, like the offer to impregnate the girl in the atoll, he refuses, saying she has "nothing I need". Angry, Helen then turns his own harpoon gun on him. He drops a sail on her head & knocks her out, before continuing to sail away into the sunset.

I'm not sure how long days last in Waterworld, but the Mariner was to be executed at dawn. Now, after the battle at the atoll & a brief conversation on the boat, the sun is now setting. The day seemed to have lasted only a few hours at most.

At Smoker HQ (which is fully revealed later, in another impressive shot) we see the Deacon get fitted for a glass eye. His sycophantic men announce it looks great, so he turns to a boy for his opinion: "It looks shit", "It does look shit" says Deacon, and removes it, saying that children at least tell him the truth. Again, not very menacing. 

Another man arrives & says there's a problem "in the pit". Deacon, Nord & a few others get into a car, and with Henry Mancini's iconic Peter Gunn theme blaring they set off through what looks like a post-apocalyptic wasteland. You know the type, where people in rags huddle around bins that have been set ablaze.

On arriving at the pit, a deep fuel tank in which an elderly man is afloat in a small boat, taking depth measurements, they're informed that "the black stuff" is running low. Deacon tells the Smokers that no fuel burning is permitted, except when searching for the girl, the hunt for her is everything.

Back on the trimaran Enola is in trouble for decorating the boat, so the Mariner chucks her into the water. Helen screams that the girl can't swim, before diving in to save her. Coming to his senses, the Mariner stops the boat & circles back to rescue them. As he does so a plane flies overhead, piloted by a young, and virtually unrecognisable, Jack Black. 

As the plane attacks the Mariner goes down below to gather weapons, but, thinking he's deserted them, Helen again grabs the harpoon & fires, killing the machine-gunner, but causing the plane, now caught by the harpoon's rope, to fly around the boat in ever-decreasing circles, knocking out a mast and inflicting yet more damage.

The pilot leans out & shoots the rope, thereby freeing the plane & enabling him to make a getaway. Back on the boat the Mariner inspects the damage, and angrily chops off both Helen & Enola's hair with a machete. Why though? I'm not so sure. I'm not even sure what this is meant to symbolise about the Mariner's character, that he's just deeply unpleasant, perhaps?

With a report on their location from Jack Black's pilot, the Deacon & Nord discuss where the Mariner is likely to go. Once again, the conversation is comical, with "logic" akin to the infamous poisoned cup dialogue from The Princess Bride. The Deacon also refers to the Mariner as an "Icthydemon" during this conversation, one of a number of humorous fish-related names he comes up with during the film. "Gentleman Guppy" being another.

We jump back to the trimaran, and the Mariner has spotted another boat, piloted by a man credited as "The Drifter". Like Nord, this man is Irish, but from the Republic. It's good to know that hundreds of years after an apocalypse wipes out most of humanity that there will still be people speaking with regional Irish accents.

The Drifter is clearly quite mad, after years alone at sea, but he arranges to trade a few pages of a magazine with the Mariner for 30 minutes with Helen; like dirt, paper & reading material are clearly very valuable commodities here. The Mariner agrees, then immediately thinks better of this. As the Drifter & Helen go below decks on his boat, and he undresses to ready himself for 30 minutes with a disgusted Helen, the Mariner turns up to rescind on the deal. The Drifter is unimpressed with this, thinking that they had a deal, the two fight, and after a brief moment when it looks like the Drifter has won, it's then revealed that he's fatally wounded & dies. The Mariner pitches him overboard.

Helen & Enola go through the Drifter's belongings & find a fishing rod, which the Mariner immediately discards, preferring his own fishing technique: once underway he ties a rope to himself, pops a knife into his mouth, then jumps into the water allowing the boat to drag him. Within seconds a large sea creature emerges from the water & swallows him whole. The Mariner then kills the creature from the inside & we later see the three of them eating a feast of cooked mutated shark. Yum.

We also hear Enola sing a little ditty that is to have further meaning later in the film.

The Mariner tells Enola that he has never encountered someone who couldn't swim; which, it being Waterworld, is understandable. So, the next day the Mariner teaches Enola how to swim. Fortunately, and conveniently, at a time when the sea creatures are asleep. 

By the way, this whole scene goes on way too long. It's like they needed an excuse or reason to use their underwater cameras so went all in for about 20 minutes. It does, however, show us that the relationship between the three characters has now evolved into a friendship, albeit very, very quickly. Remember it's been less than 24 hours since he was pimping Helen for some pages of a magazine, and not too much longer that he was throwing Enola overboard & hacking at their hair with a machete.

Later, the trimaran approaches a stationary, floating platform, on which people can be seen waving. The Mariner calls out in the language of the seas: Portu-Greek (a nice touch that, a mixture of the languages of two historically significant sea-faring nations). When there is no response the trio's suspicions are aroused. Helen spots that the people are tied up & waving via a series of pulleys (like in Weekend at Bernies).

Meanwhile the Mariner tastes the water & finds traces of fuel. Using an inverted periscope-like device in the boat's hull he sees that a group of Smokers are on jet-skis under the water. It's a trap! The Deacon & the others are on the platform controlling the pulleys attached to the corpses of its inhabitants.

More nautical hi-jinks ensue as the Mariner lets loose his sails & they get away, but not before he's winged by a rifle shot from the Deacon.

While being tended to by Helen the Mariner admits that he has never seen dry land, and has no idea where he's taking them. She asks, if he hasn't been there, then why does he have so many strange things on his boat that suggest he has. She also offers a theory that people used to live on dry land, not on the water. Crazy talk, right?

The Mariner then takes her underwater in a diving bell, showing her stuff from our time, and a city, actually Denver, where even the mountains & ski fields are submerged. Despite being 500 years in the future, and long after after an apocalyptic flood, many of the things they find are remarkably well-preserved & recognisable.

Interestingly the Mariner uses flares to light the way as he pulls the diving bell under water. It's not explained how he managed to come by these. Even if he were to find them, I'm sure they would've corroded or become ineffective by this time, but he seems to have a plentiful supply.

When the two of them return to the boat they find that the Deacon & his Smokers have got there. The Mariner really should keep an eye out while he's underwater, he's only gone deep sea diving twice in the film so far, and each time he's been surprised by others when he's come back up.

Enola, presumably having kept a better lookout than the adults and seen the Smokers approach, has hidden, but reveals herself when the Deacon threatens to shoot Helen & the Mariner. They manage to escape by jumping overboard, but Enola is taken captive. While the Mariner keeps Helen alive underwater by breathing for them both the Smokers burn his boat & leave.

At Smoker HQ the Deacon interrogates Enola about her tattoo, and she announces to him & his crew that the Mariner will come for her.

Back on the remains of the trimaran Helen asks the Mariner why he refused sex with her when she offered. He admits that he knew she didn't want him, this leads to them kissing, then presumably having some mutant, fish-like sex which doesn't bear thinking about.

Afterwards, as they take stock of their situation & come to the realisation that they are likely to die on the boat Gregor arrives in his balloon, one of the worst examples of Deus ex Machina ever committed to film.

Gregor takes the pair to a new, smaller atoll where he & some of the other survivors of the earlier battle with the Smokers, including the sympathetic Enforcer, have set up home.

The group discuss the Smokers, Enola, the tattoo, and Gregor & the Mariner begin to piece together the tattoo's meaning. The Mariner takes a jet-ski & leaves, resolving to bring Enola back.

The Deacon and his men are studying Enola's tattoo, and cannot make any sense of it, one of the crew suggests cutting it out & stretching it over a frame to make it clearer, but again, as they're rather non-threatening villains, this is not followed through, luckily for Enola. When his men leave the Deacon toast a photo of a man on the wall and addresses him as "St. Joe".

As the Mariner approaches, we see the Smokers' HQ for the first time, it's the Exxon Valdez, of the infamous Alaskan oil spill of 1989; and "St. Joe" is the ship's captain of that time, Captain Joseph Hazelwood.

A sidenote: it was widely reported in the media at the time of the spill that Capt Hazelwood was an alcoholic, and was to blame for the accident. It has been suggested by people involved in the making of Waterworld that the Smokers' seemingly endless supply of booze & cigarettes is meant to be Hazelwood's personal supply, so large that there is still enough for the Smokers 500 years into the future.

The Deacon addresses the entire crew from the ship's bridge, there are hundreds of them. Again, the film's budget is right there on screen as hordes fill the deck of the rusting supertanker. The Deacon announces that "dry land is not just our destination, it is our destiny", a quote I remember well from the trailers. 

He then goes on to say that, once found, they will exploit the land by felling trees, damming rivers etc. and so on; proving that he hasn't learned from humanity's mistakes.

After whipping them up into a frenzy he urges them to man the oars, like a viking longboat, & row the Valdez to dry land despite none of them having quite worked out how to find it. 

Incidentally, despite the sheer numbers of Smokers present, using oars to move a ship the size of the Valdez has to be physically impossible, but then, that was maybe the plan, to just deceive the crew into believing they're making headway while they decipher the map.

Meanwhile the Mariner is making his way through the ship, killing Smokers indiscriminately. As he does, Enola tells stories of how he will take his vengeance on the Smokers to a disconcerted Nord, who sneaked away from the others in order to steal some whiskey. Nord, in response, becomes nasty & threatens to kill Enola.

With the crew below decks, only The Deacon & a few others, including Nord & Enola, remain on the bridge. The Mariner approaches on the ship's deck, when Enola excitedly recognises him & calls out.

The Deacon, seeing him, refers to him as "the turd that wont flush", then looks on in horror as he lights another of his flares & holds it over an opening leading to the fuel tanks. "I've come for the girl" he says, "she's my friend" - Aw!

The Deacon calls his bluff, saying that to drop the flare would kill them all, so... the Mariner drops it anyway. Way below, the elderly man who sits afloat the oil sees the flare & whispers "Thank God" as he, and the fuel, ignites.

There follows another cracking action sequence: lots of fire, explosions, and more aerial stunts. The Deacon attempts to make a getaway with Enola in the plane, only to be thwarted when the Mariner brings it down with a harpoon & grappling hook. We also see the end of the villainous Nord when he is shot by the Mariner. While this goes on the Smokers abandon ship in their droves.

The atoll-dwellers then show up in the balloon again (there's that handy Deus ex Machina), and lower a rope for the Mariner & Enola. The Deacon grabs hold too, but a timely intervention from Helen, throwing something hard & heavy at his head, knocks him off the rope. 

As the Valdez sinks the Deacon reaches a jet-ski, grabs a rifle, and shoots at the balloon, causing it to rock & Enola to fall into the water. The Deacon & some of his other men, also on jet-skis, converge on Enola (lucky she was taught how to swim, eh?), but are no match for a bungee-jumping Mariner who plucks her to safety as the Smokers crash into each other & their jet-skis explode.

Back on the balloon Gregor & the Mariner finally manage to interpret the markings on Enola's back & steer a course for dry land. If only the Mariner had agreed to pool resources with Gregor earlier, they could have already been safely ensconced on dry land by now.

After some time in the air a seagull lands on the balloon. Apart from the sea creature, this is the first wildlife we've seen in Waterworld, and the inference being that they're nearing dry land. As the clouds part (also the first we've seen in the film) a lush, green, mountainous island is sighted.

The group land & explore the island. They find fruit, birds, horses, fresh water, although its source is not fully explained, and a cave-dwelling with two skeletons inside, lying side-by-side. There's a small music box too, which, once played, plays the ditty that Enola was singing earlier in the film. Once she hears it Enola announces "I'm home".

The two skeletons are her parents (alluded to in the version I watched, although there is apparently an alternate version that makes this clear), who sent her away when they realised they were dying, but tattooed the coordinates of their location so she could find her way back once she was older.

I can't help but think she may have been safer fending for herself on the island, even though she was young, than cast adrift at sea, but who am I to argue with the inhabitants of a post-apocalyptic world?

Some time later the Mariner has built himself a new, wooden boat & makes ready to leave. There are some tears from Helen & Enola as he goes, but he has come to realise that his place is on the water (he is part-fish, after all). As Helen & Enola watch from a high point of the island he sets sail, cueing up a sequel that never eventuated.

According to IMDB there is another deleted scene showing the group discovering a plaque referencing the Hillary/Norgay conquest of Everest, thereby proving that dry land is, in fact, the top of that mountain. I like to think it was edited out because (to the best of my knowledge) no such plaque exists at the top of Everest, and the one they created had the British flag on it, not New Zealand's, the land of Hillary's birth, but it's probably more likely that the producers thought that audiences wouldn't understand the reference.

As mentioned earlier, Waterworld is nowhere near as bad as it's often perceived to be. It owes a massive debt to the Mad Max films, especially the second film in the series, with which it shares a lot of similarities. There are traces of its beginnings as a kids adventure film too, its original premise, with the comical Smokers & a lead role for a child. 

But, for all Waterworld's faults, it's a good, solid action film, and has an eco-message that, despite its implicitness, is not rammed home in a preachy manner. I recall that, despite the negative press, crowds did still turn up to watch it, not in huge numbers, but it got a respectable audience in the cinema I worked in.

Incidentally, the two Kevins, star Costner & director Reynolds, had a falling out during the making of the film, resulting in Reynolds leaving & Costner having to step in to the director's chair, although only Reynolds is credited as director. Having worked together frequently before Waterworld it would be another 17 years before the two would work together again.

The muted critical response & lack of a sequel didn't stop Costner from appearing as another Mad Max-style drifter without a name in a post-apocalyptic dystopia; a few years later he would make The Postman, an even less well-received film that made even less of an... um... splash than Waterworld.

Fin 

Richie Rich

When I reviewed the quite appalling Angels in the Outfield I made a mention of there being a number of films screened during my time as a projectionist that I wouldn't enjoy re-watching, and looking through the list I've compiled it seems that they're mostly kids films.
And so, when my son spotted Macaulay Culkin's last film as a child star, Richie Rich (or Ri¢hie Ri¢h, to give it its official name) on Netflix, and asked that we watch it, recognising it as one of the films on the list, it was with a heavy heart that I agreed.
In all honesty though, it's not nearly as bad as I remember it. Admittedly, as with most of the films screened during my time as a projectionist, I only saw snippets when I attended to focusing duties in the projection booth, but I recall not loitering around to watch any more than was absolutely necessary.

Based on a long-running comic, that I don't recall ever seeing in the UK, the film begins with the opening of a bank vault (and closes with the closing of a bank vault, for those that hang around long enough to see it), to drive home the point that he's Rich by name, and rich by birth. We then have a brief introduction of the character, via voiceover, supplied by the Rich family's butler, Cadbury, played by Hollywood's perpetual stiff-upper lipped Brit, Jonathan Hyde (whom I've just discovered is not an Englishman, but an Australian).
Cadbury explains, over shots of Richie's birth, early childhood etc. that Richie was born the wealthiest baby in the world. His toys are all gold, he lives in a stately home, has anything & everything he could possibly hope for.
So far, so Trump.
However, Richie's parents dote on him & each other, so our hero is unlikely to grow up into a narcissistic pastiche of a Bond villain with sociopathic disorders.

Richie's dad, Richard, played by Edward Herrmann, in much the same role as he would later fill as the family patriarch in the long-running TV show The Gilmore Girls, is a loving father & a philanthropist, who spends as much time as he can with his son. It's here that we briefly see Macaulay's brother Rory Culkin in the role, playing the younger Richie.
Richard & Richie are fond of playing baseball together, but Richard's business often takes him away, and so, when we finally meet the elder Culkin brother in the role, he's playing baseball with a group of professional players, whom I suppose we're meant to recognise (imdb tells me that the coach is Reggie Jackson, a baseball Hall of Famer).
As with Angels in the Outfield, there are a number of baseball references in this film that I, and I guess many others in a UK audience at the time, would fail to appreciate. However, even I know that runs are scored in baseball, something that the family's English butler failed to grasp, even though I'd assume he'd have some experience of cricket.

With his father otherwise engaged Richie is sent, by helicopter, to be the family's representative at the re-opening of a factory, United Tools, in what is implied to be a working-class part of the city. Cadbury, whom we're beginning to learn is a more visible presence in Richie's life than his parents, attends too, and catches the eye of the factory's union rep, Diane.
Richie gives his speech, which goes down well, as it would, his father has just bought the factory & kept it open, running it at a loss too, meaning the workers keep their jobs while the company attempts to revive its fortunes. Rich Sr is that kind of guy, why can't more billionaires be like this? Or like Bruce Wayne?
Before Richie & his entourage leave he spots a group of kids playing baseball nearby and walks over to join them. In case it hasn't been driven home by Cadbury's exposition already, Richie has everything he could want, but friends.
Richie's security detail, Ferguson, grabs him to prevent him from getting too near to the kids, much to Cadbury's disapproval.
We see here the first of a few McDonald's product placements, as one of the baseball-playing group munches on a packet of fries as they discuss how Richie may have everything, but seems lonely.

Back home and Richie's mother Regina (played by stage actress Christine Ebersole) is overseeing the construction of Mount Richmore, a huge Rushmore-like sculpture of the family being carved into a nearby mountain by an artist with a giant laser. Richie asks Regina if he can have some friends visit, which she takes to mean having to organise a dinner party, while Richie just wants to "hang".
Richie is then taken for his science lesson with Rich Corporation's chief scientist Professor Keenbean. In a strange piece of casting Keenbean is played by American actor Michael McShane, a relative unknown in the US, but well known to UK audiences, especially at that time, as he was a familiar face on UK TV, and a regular contestant on the improv TV show Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Now, you know how, in the Bond movies, whenever Bond visits Q, pretty much everything he's shown comes in useful at some later stage of the film? So it is here.
Keenbean shows Richie his new creations: a Sub-Atomic Molecular Re-Organizer that changes trash to useful products, a powerful glue named Cementia, a spray that makes clothes bulletproof, and a tiny robotic bee. Later Keenbean will introduce the Smell Master 9000, a device for enhancing & recognising scents.
Remember these, they'll all become relevant later.

Later that night one of the Rich Corporation executives arrives at the family home for dinner: Van Dough (John Larroquette). It's clear that he's an unpleasant character, as he sacks his driver for parking the car near a puddle and mutters conspiratorially with Ferguson, the heavy-handed security man from earlier.
Over dinner Van Dough asks Richie's parents why they make so many substantial donations to charity, which angers Regina. Richard also explains his plan for United Tools, to improve the company, then hand it back to the workers for them to own & run. Van Dough is horrified, but his mood improves, and eyes light up, when Richard mentions his vault, containing the family's most prized treasures.

The next morning Richie is woken and informed by Cadbury that it's time for his exercise class, which Richie is reluctant to do. That is, until he learns that his usual trainer, "Arnold" is not available, and has been replaced by Claudia Schiffer. As she walks in Macaulay Culkin breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera with a smirk that veers towards a leer. There then follows the film's most bizarre scene, as Claudia leads Richie & Cadbury in an aerobics class, while the pair ogle her from behind and exchange sideways glances as she bends over. I'm sure Richie's behaviour is exactly what one would expect from a 14 year old (Culkin's age at the time), but there's something not quite right seeing him & Hyde (then in his mid 40s) conspiring to ogle a girl in her early 20s.

After aerobics Richie powers up another Keenbean's devices, the DadLink, a huge computer that locates and provides access to Richard whenever he's not home. The DadLink reports that Richard is at the White House, where we see him advising the President on economic policy (as if! Oh, wait...).
Richie and his father have a brief video call. The point of this scene is to introduce the DadLink. As with Keenbean's other inventions, this will be relevant later.
To be honest, having now watched two kids films from this era, I find this method to be far preferable to the constant exposition that Angels in the Outfield employed.

Richie is taken to school, a huge stately home-style building where every child is dropped off by a Bentley or Rolls-Royce. Richie and his schoolmates are being taught by Ben Stein, the infamous "Bueller...? Bueller...?" teacher. Today's lesson is business, but not a typical lesson:
"Let's move on to case study #12: Your company is in dire straits. Sales are down 50% due to stiff price competition. Dividends are falling. Stockholders are demanding that you step down as chairman of the board. Now, here's your problem: How do you rally the board of directors to your side AND stave off impending bankruptcy?"
Richie's classmates are all very adult-like in their mannerisms & responses, whereas it's made clear that Richie just wants friends of his own age. Richie's attempts during a fencing lesson to invite them to his house to "hang" fail, as all of them have other plans.

Driving home Cadbury informs Richie that he is to go to England with his parents to have tea with the Queen. Richie is upset, as, once again, he just wants to do regular "kid stuff", so tells the driver to take a right towards United Tools. This then begs the question as to why he needed to go there by helicopter earlier, when it's a short diversion from his route to school?

Richie spots the group of kids from earlier, and makes a bet that he can hit a ball pitched by the group's leader, a redheaded girl named Gloria, also the daughter of the Diane, the union official that flirted with Cadbury.
It was my son that pointed out that these kids are wearing the same outfits they had on in their first scene. They're either really poor, or maybe the the two scenes were filmed back-to-back.
Richie wins the bet by hitting the ball so far it smashes a window in the factory. But, I suppose he can get away with that, his dad does own the factory...
The group of kids give Richie their money, which, of course, he doesn't want; he just wants to play with them. They get angry & make him leave, which he does too, upset and with his head down.

The next day the Rich family are readying their plane to fly to England. Richie confesses to his father that he'd rather not go, and Cadbury makes the suggestion that he can stay with him, which his parents agree to.
As the plane is loaded with presents for the Queen, including the SmellMaster 9000 (which Richard suggests will take Her Majesty's mind off her children - a quip still relevant 25 years later), we see Ferguson place another parcel in amongst the gifts before leaving, not realising that Richie isn't on the plane.

Back home and Cadbury announces to Richie that he has arranged for the United Tools kids to visit, accompanied by Gloria's mother Diane. While Cadbury & Diane continue their PG-rated flirting Richie shows the kids his home, with its own McDonald's (product placement again), and they entertain themselves on quad bikes, jet skis, and the Kidapult, a giant catapult used for flinging the group onto a giant inflatable mat.

Back at Rich HQ Van Dough is arranging to move into Richard's office, while over the Atlantic the Rich parents, who are piloting the plane themselves, have found Ferguson's package. Using the SmellMaster they identify it as a bomb, and get it out of the plane, but not fast enough to prevent them crash-landing in the ocean.

Meanwhile, Richie's new friends are leaving, after a great day, when one of them lets slip that they were offered $100 each to play with Richie. Gloria tells him to forget it, as they had a good time, but Richie overhears. However, this isn't the only bad news he gets as he's told his parents have gone missing. Richie races to the DadLink, only for it to report "Dad Not Found"

Ferguson reveals to Van Dough that Richie wasn't on the plane, to which Van Dough is not concerned, "he won't be a problem" he says.

Fortunately Richard & Regina have survived the crash, and are afloat in a life raft, with some supplies, but the DadLink device is broken. Regina knows the bomb was Van Dough's doing, and tells Richard he should have got rid of him years ago. Richard makes the statement that he's never fired anyone. However, with them adrift at sea, they both realise that Richie's life may be in danger.

We're at Rich HQ again, where Van Dough is announcing to the board that they are to close United Tools (he really has it in for this small factory & its staff). When news of this reaches Gloria she calls Richie to inform him, and he immediately goes to the office with Cadbury to have a word with Van Dough. When they arrive Van Dough is having an unpleasant and potentially abusive moment with one of his secretaries, much to the displeasure of the senior secretarial staff.
Richie announces that he & Cadbury are taking over the business, and United Tools are to stay open.

There follows a montage of Richie leading the company from strength to strength, with his new friends in tow. Where van Dough wants to lay off employees, Richie instead makes the board take a pay cut; where Van Dough wants to scrimp on nuts in one of the company's chocolate bars, Richie arranges for more to be put in, and on it goes.
Exasperated by this Van Dough and Ferguson hatch a further plot.

Meanwhile, back in the Atlantic, Richie's parents spot one of their trunks from the plane & find a lady shaver, which Richard realises he could use to fix the DadLink.

Back in the Rich boardroom the police arrive to arrest Cadbury after an anonymous tip-off has led them to discover bomb-making equipment in his quarters; Van Dough announces that he has petitioned to become Richie's guardian. He then fires all the house staff, replacing them with Ferguson's security guards, who go about installing CCTV cameras throughout the house, including Richie's room. Richie is also forbidden to attend board meetings.

Van Dough tells Ferguson of his plot to get into the vault, have Cadbury killed in prison, and for it to be made to look like suicide (a dark turn for a kids' film) while Keenbean listens from the floor below using one of his devices. Keenbean informs Richie of the plot, and hands him some corrosive paste, ideal for melting prison bars.

Richie takes the paste, disguised as toothpaste, to the prison, in a parcel for Cadbury, together with a card, with instructions for its use written in Latin.
We then see Cadbury opening his package of supplies, as a hairy biker type enters the room to kill him. Cadbury wins the ensuing, offscreen fight and, having translated the Latin note, uses the paste to disintegrate the bars & make his escape, to find Richie waiting outside.

Cadbury, now wearing the biker's clothes, and Richie, go to Gloria's house and use her computer to hack into the Dadlink at the mansion. At that precise time Richard gets the DadLink working.

Unfortunately, Ferguson's guards at the house also see this, and cut the connection before Richie can find out his parents' location. They then tell Ferguson & Van Dough, who are busying themselves torturing Keenbean in order to find out the location of the vault. Van Dough now realises he can rescue Richard & Regina, and use them to access the vault, which rather makes his entire plot to kill them & steal their money somewhat pointless.
Out at sea Richie's parents spot a rescue plane.

Later that night Richie, Cadbury, Gloria & the other kids, and, for some reason, Diane, sneak into the mansion's grounds to rescue Keenbean. Having done so Richie & Cadbury then go to the DadLink to finish trying to locate his parents, only to find the pair of them already there, having been "rescued" by Van Dough's goons. They reveal that the vault is in fact Mount Richmore, the entire mountain.
Meanwhile, outside the mansion, Diane & the kids are captured by the guards, they are then imprisoned with Richie & Cadbury in cages on a conveyor belt leading to Keenbean's Sub-Atomic Molecular Re-Organizer. Keenbean, having evaded escape, uses his Cementia & the Robobee to trap the guards, batter the hapless Ferguson, and free the kids. Richie then races to save his parents.

Richard & Regina open the vault, only for Van Dough to be disappointed with what he finds: photos, personal belongings, Richie's baby clothes etc. the things they truly value, more than their wealth - "Aw!".
Furious, Van Dough orders his guards to shoot them both, only for Richie to show up just in time. Van Dough grabs the gun and shoots Richie, except... Richie has doused his clothes in Keenbean's bulletproof spray, so is unharmed. My son, echoing a line from Dumb & Dumber, a film that will feature in a future blog, asked "What if he shot him in the face?"
Richie and his parents escape to the face/s of Mount Richmore, pursued by Van Dough & fired upon by Ferguson, now looking distinctly the worse for wear but having taken control of the sculptor's laser.
There's a neat reference to this earlier in the film, as Van Dough is seen watching North by NorthWest, which has as its climax a scene on Mount Rushmore.

In one of the film's strangest moments Ferguson blasts the nose off the giant sculpture of Regina's face, to which the real Regina sobs that it now looks "like Michael Jackson". Macauley Culkin was, infamously, a friend of Jackson's, godfather to his daughter Paris, and one of his staunchest defenders. I'm not sure if he would've approved of this line & it does make me wonder if it was added during post-production.

On the ground Cadbury finally catches up with Ferguson and lays him out, taking control of the laser to fire upon down Van Dough, who was positioning himself to shoot his gun. Van Dough finds himself hanging upside down in front of the family. Richard breaks the habits of a lifetime to tell him "You're fired!" and Regina punches him the face.

We then cut to a Little League baseball match, being played in the mansion's grounds. Richie hits a home run and is mobbed by his teammates, including his friends from United Tools, when Gloria tells him "You're alright". High praise indeed.
We learn that Cadbury & Diane are now in a relationship, as we see them kiss while watching the game, and that Regina is pregnant with a daughter.
We also see that Van Dough & Ferguson are working in the gardens, under the watchful eye of a corrections guard. I'm not sure why the pair that tried to murder the entire family & steal their fortune are permitted to then re-visit the family home as a punishment. I couldn't help think that a better ending would've been for the Rich family to speed past them in a limo as they worked cleaning up a stretch of a freeway.

And that's the end, the vault closes, the credits roll, and Macauley Culkin, then the world's biggest (and, appropriately, richest) child star, goes on hiatus for nine years.

As mentioned earlier, Richie Rich is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. My own son is probably a little older than the target audience, but he enjoyed the gadgets, the visual gags about money, and I have to say, it's actually quite pleasant to see a film in which a billionaire is a decent human-being, with some uncharacteristically Socialist principles, i.e. wanting to build up a struggling company then hand it back to the workers, unlikely though that it may be in real life.

Culkin himself is relatively likeable in the role, but gives an incredibly wooden performance. Knowing that he stopped filming soon after completing this film, it does make me wonder if something went on to cause him to quit, and that perhaps he was contracted to do this one last film before he did. At many times in the film he just seems to be going through the motions, his acting is one-dimensional & he doesn't seem to be enjoying himself. Perhaps it's the perfect role for him in many respects, as Richie's lonely existence maybe had similarities to his own?

However, if you've kids to entertain then you could go worse than sticking on this film on a wet afternoon. It's no classic, but certainly not Culkin's worse - probably not a quote they'd want to use for the poster.

Fin

I.D.

During my time as a projectionist there was one low-budget, British film that generated a great deal of interest with its trailers & posters prior to its release, and, as a result, lasted a few weeks longer on the screens of the multiplex than expected: I.D. a film about a group of young police officers who go undercover to infiltrate the hooligans of Shadwell Town FC, a fictitious London football team, losing their identity as they do.

Featuring a cast of young British actors, most of whom would go on to become well-known faces on UK television, and ably led by Reece Dinsdale, brilliantly cast here against type in a heavy, serious role, worlds away from the comedy roles he was known for, this film would go on to become a cult classic; spawning a much delayed sequel (released in 2016) and a number of websites doing a brisk trade in selling replica Shadwell kits, despite none ever being seen on screen.

The film starts with Dinsdale's character, a fresh-faced young Detective Constable named John Brandon, interviewing a suspect, a former schoolmate. 

The interviewee doesn't respond, but John persists with his questioning & drops hints as to his own personality, and the changes that are to come as he does: "you know me, Honest John, the milk monitor...", "I can be very nice, or I can be very nasty...".

He obviously gets a result, as the interviewee is led away & John punches the air in triumph. As he does so a uniformed sergeant, Trevor (Richard Graham, one of those familiar faces from TV), enters to tell John that they're wanted in the Chief Superintendent's office for a job.

The Chief is showing footage of violent football hooligans to John and Trevor, and two other young officers, Charlie & Eddie (two more of TV's familiar faces: Philip Glenister & Perry Fenwick). The Chief briefs the team, they're to be part of a cross-force team going undercover to rout out "the generals, not the footsoldiers" of London's football hooligan groups. This team are to be sent amongst the hooligans of Shadwell Town FC, nicknamed The Dogs, at their ground, The Kennel.

It's clear that Shadwell is a thinly-veiled substitute for Millwall, a real-life team whose fans have a fearsome reputation, and who were apparently asked to be involved in this film, but declined.

While Shadwell Town is a fabricated football club, the location is real, Shadwell is an area of London, not far from Millwall. 

The similarities are numerous: Millwall are nicknamed The Lions, their stadium is referred to as The Den, there's a Shadwell chant in the film that has a line "All you w@nkers, we couldn't give a toss" which has echoes of Millwall's "No one likes us, we don't care..." chant, and so on.

The Chief explains that the hooligans they're interested in have been been arrested multiple times, but usually on minor charges & been out on the streets again within months. He wants evidence to put them away for a long time, on serious charges of conspiring & plotting fights, and has arranged for the team to meet with the previous team of undercover operatives.

On the way to the meeting John tells Trevor that this is the job he's been waiting for, a good result here could see him promoted & fast-tracked to a senior position.

The team meet the previous team, who are bruised & bloodied. One of them, Mark Burdis - known to a generation as Stewpot from 80s BBC kids show Grange Hill - explains that he was recognised by a fellow officer who was on matchday duties at the Kennel, and, their cover blown, they were attacked after the game at The Rock, the pub frequented by Shadwell's hooligans.

The Chief advises them to avoid The Rock.

The team head out in the evening to scout out the local pubs, get their faces seen by the regulars, and to see what they can find out. John & Trevor take the pubs on one side of the road, Charlie & Eddie the other. We follow the former as they discuss how they don't even like drinking, but have to show willing. The group bond as they stagger out of each pub, meeting each other briefly on the street, but get nowhere until John & Trevor find a noisy, raucous pub. Surely they could have saved themselves a lot of bother by strolling the streets first, and finding the noisiest pub?

Once inside Trevor glares at a noisy crowd of Shadwell fans who move to confront the pair. it's here that Trevor displays his woeful lack of prior knowledge about the club he's meant to be a fan of. 

Attempting to defuse the situation after being asked "What you lookin' at?" Trevor pleads that "we're Shadwell, like you", to which he's asked which club they're playing the following day. John intervenes, and answers "Pentland, away", another fictitious team.

The group get upset at John answering, so ask another "What's our next home game?"

John again: "Grimsby, next Wednesday", this is one of I.D.'s confusing moments, as Grimsby Town are a real club. There are frequent mentions of genuine English fooball teams, interspersed with made-up names, some of which, like the aforementioned Pentland, don't even appear to be actual geographical locations.

John intervenes again when Trevor is asked which player was sold to Wimbledon (again, genuine club). "Carrera" comes John's answer. Feeling more confident, Trevor chips in with "and good riddance to him", not realising that Carrera was the club's best player who warranted his big money transfer.

The group are appalled, but one, a large black guy, proving that Shadwell hooligans are somewhat more diverse than other hooligan groups of the era, puts his arm around Trevor and offers some support "You may have a point, but you got to admit, he was pretty skillful. I mean... for a white guy".

It's a trap.

Even the other Shadwell fans are confused by this, but Trevor fails to notice their blank faces as he agrees. John mutters an insult at Trevor, as the crowd turn on the two.

Cut to a packed train carriage the next day, John & Trevor are walking through the crowds to find a seat, and spot their assailants from the previous evening. Trevor goes to leave, but John thinks better, knowing that it would be preferable to associate with this crew.

John introduces himself & explains that Trevor is a new fan, who's only just started going to matches. The lads have a new found respect for them, brazenly approaching them after the kicking they received last night, and invite them into their card game. Trevor duly cleans up & collects his winnings from the irate group as the train pulls into the station. You'd be right in thinking that perhaps Trevor isn't an ideal person to use as an undercover operative.

From the train the fans file onto coaches, but are attacked by Pentland fans as they near their ground. Windows are smashed and bricks thrown as the two police officers protect themselves. We get our first inkling that John appears to be enjoying himself, while Trevor is clearly unimpressed with the behaviour of the supporters around him.

Prior to I.D.'s release cinemas received bundles of promotional material that included interviews with the cast & crew, and the director Phil Davis (another familiar face from UK TV), who explained that he didn't want to put any football on the screen, as doing so might detract from the film's primary plot, that of the undercover operation. And so, we don't see anything of the game at all here, or at any other time (other than when the four officers have a a brief kickabout); even match results are rarely mentioned throughout the film. 

And so, instead of seeing Shadwell take on Pentland, the film cuts from the attack on the coach, to an Italian restaurant, where John is enjoying a meal with his partner, and fellow police officer, Marie (Claire Skinner, another familiar face from UK TV, known to many these days as the mum from Outnumbered).

It's still early days but John is already changing: he becomes defensive when Marie tells him they had a group of (yet another fictional club from a genuine location) Wapping fans in the cells at her station, arrested for smashing up a nightclub: "Wapping? Not my lot. We're Shadwell!" he protests. 

Then, he orders an extra half-bottle of wine, much to Marie's consternation. Remember that it was only a few scenes back when John mentioned to Trevor that he doesn't drink.

Later, the four officers are back at the station, looking in a mirror at themselves, realising they look too much like coppers and not enough like the hooligans they're meant to be infiltrating.

We next see the four walking the streets of Shadwell on their way to a home game, presumably it's the following Wednesday and they're off to see The Dogs take on Grimsby. As they walk they test each other on the club's history & John relates how his grandmother lived on the very street they're walking down, and on match days he could hear the roar of the crowd.

Inside the ground the four of them are shocked by the ferocity of the crowd, which, in reality, isn't actually that bad. John is the only one to join in with the chanting and shouting abuse at the opposition fans.
I remember this scene well, many a time I'd check on the film's focus at around this point, if you look closely at the other spectators in the crowd you can spot many of them wearing (real club) Sheffield Wednesday's black & gold away strip from the 94-95 season, to match Shadwell's gold & black colours. As the crowd chant you can also see & hear that some of them are singing in South Yorkshire accents too, they're singing "You're gonna get your fookin' 'eads kicked in", not "fackin' 'eads"

After the match the four are filing reports at the station, swigging Scotch from bottles as they do, as if in some kind of tribute to 1970s TV show The Sweeney. The team realise they've got nothing to show for their work, just some reports of mildly abusive language & occasional threats. John hatches a plan: he & Trevor are to use their cover as painter & decorators to visit The Rock at lunchtime, on the pretence that they're working in the neighbourhood.

After a few weeks of lunchtime drinks the two of them have become recognisable faces in the pub, and John has caught the eye of the barmaid Lynda, so decide to make an appearance on a Friday night, prior to that Saturday's game.

As they walk in they're eyeballed by the regulars, The Rock being a very different venue in the evenings from lunchtimes. It's an intimidating place, crowded, violent, and, for some reason, has its own fire-breathing act.

Lynda asks John if the two of them are Shadwell fans, to which he responds with a non-committal nod & wink.

It's game day again, and John & Trevor are on the terraces with the regulars from The Rock, exchanging banter & insults about one of the club's players: Jerry Edwards. When Shadwell are awarded a free-kick and Edwards steps up to take it, there's incredulity and more abuse from the group... until Edwards scores and they start up a chant of "One Jerry Edwards...".

After the game the two are in a pub, talking with The Rock's regulars, including the malevolent Martin (Sean Pertwee) and his best friend Nik (Charles De'ath), comedy punk Puff (Terry Cole, the fire-breather from The Rock), Vinny (Steve Sweeney, from every East End-set film & TV show ever), Micky (Nicholas Bailey, from Eastenders, proving once again that Shadwell's hooligans are a diverse bunch), and the physically & mentally disabled pickle factory worker Gumbo (a barely recognisable Lee Ross). It's Gumbo who indirectly supplies the film's unofficial catchphrase: "I fackin' love you Gumbo", said multiple times by different characters throughout the film.

As the group bond with the newcomers a fight breaks out between the Shadwell fans and a group of (real club) Arsenal fans who are also drinking in the same pub.

While Gumbo takes cover Trevor slams an Arsenal fan onto a table and whispers "You're nicked!"

John hears and rebukes him for breaking their cover, but did Gumbo hear it as well...?

It's late when John arrives home, there's nothing to eat & he's furious with Marie. After she admonishes him he then apologises, and promises once that this job is done he'll be near guaranteed a promotion.

It's a new day, and John & Trevor walk into The Rock for their lunch, to come face-to-face with the pub's fearsome landlord, and renowned "cop sniffer" Bob (Warren Clarke - famed for his role as Dim, one of the droogs from A Clockwork Orange, and yet another regular from the UK's TV screens).

Bob's been in prison and, although he's upset to see two new regulars, he seems satisfied they are who they say they are after Lynda introduces them. Once Bob leaves Lynda tells John that he is her uncle and that one day she'll inherit the pub.

Later that day the team & their partners are having a meal in a restaurant. While the wives/partners discuss mortgages, children and other topics, the four, who are all clearly bored, make their excuses and go to the toilet together. Whilst standing in a line at the urinal they start humming Shadwell chants, before pissing on Trevor's legs. It might be worth remembering at this point that, as the Sergeant, Trevor is the senior officer in this team.

Trevor soon gets his revenge on John though, when they're next in The Rock he mentions to Martin & the rest of the group that John has a son. John glares furiously at Trevor, but wins plaudits from the others when he tells them he named his son after every member of Shadwell's promotion-winning team.

Just then a coach passes the pub, filled with fans of that day's rivals, Midchester (a fictional suburb of Birmingham). Seeing an opportunity to gain more credit with the hooligans John races out of the pub & gives chase. 

When the coach is held up in traffic John attacks single-handedly, until the others catch up & start smashing windows & brawling with the Midchester fans.

After the fight Bob congratulates John for the attack, revealing that he's won the respect of the pub landlord.

Back at the station the four are in a celebratory mood, when a uniformed Sergeant (the film's director, Phil Davis) enters & rebukes them. Charlie & Eddie apologise, but John stands his ground and glares at the sergeant, clearly in no mood to take orders from a uniformed officer.

Once the sergeant leaves all four agree that they need a space of their own.

It's an away day again, and the group are travelling in a convoy of cars to Westleigh (another fictional club, but presumably named after the suburb of Manchester). When they stop at some motorway services Trevor slips away to place a call from a public phone: "Sergeant Trevor Clymer, Shadwell branch...".

When the group arrive at a pre-organised fight with the Westleigh fans they find the police are already there & have made multiple arrests.

Back at The Rock the recriminations begin, and there are promises of violence being inflicted upon whoever is responsible for informing the police. John throws Trevor a look, which Martin notices.

At a time where tensions are high, and the potential for their cover being blown even higher, you'd think this would be a time for our undercover officers to play it cool, behave themselves, & monitor the situation, lest it get worse. Instead, Trevor gets hopelessly drunk, embarrasses himself by showing off his newly learned Shadwell knowledge ("'Ere, who was our top scorer last season?"), and eventually gets thrown out when he tries to kiss Lynda.

John bundles him into a car & drives to the station, seething with rage at Trevor's stupidity. They arrive to find Charlie & Eddie in the car park, swigging scotch from bottles again (do this team not have glasses, or even a tea mug they could use?). Humiliated, Trevor reminds the group that he's the Sergeant, and tells John he's off the squad, John counters by punching him, then runs into the station.

Charlie follows him and suggests John apologise. The two make up, Trevor agrees not to pull rank again, composes himself and announces "if you hadn't run off, I would've kicked your head in...", causing the entire group to fall about with laughter.

We cut to John's house. His relationship with Marie is not so much frosty, but totally frozen. They're silent as they ready themselves for work, before Marie leaves without saying a word.

It's not just at home that John is having a bad day: at The Rock Martin & the others confront him & Trevor, and accuse them of either being police, or informers.

As Bob reaches for his baseball bat, and Micky locks the door, Martin offers some pretty damning evidence, to which John has quick replies:

Gumbo heard Trevor "arresting" the Arsenal fan; but Trev was just winding him up, having a laugh.

Trevor has been spotted making calls at motorway services right before the police break up their fights; but he was calling his mum, he always calls his mum.

Martin has visited the house the pair are meant to be working in, but they're never there; but they finished that house, they're working in a different house now.

John turns the tables & threatens Martin instead, how dare he accuse them of being "filth", and finds an unlikely ally in Bob who admits that they can't be police, as they'd have "shat themselves" if they were (to be fair, Trevor probably has shat himself at this point).

John storms outside for a sulk, before the others follow and offer apologies. There's now a bizarre, and possibly intentional, near homo-erotic moment, where Martin moves close to John's face and asks "Can I buy you a pint?"

Back in the pub the group are crowded around the new pub quiz machine, taking turns to answer questions, while John nurses a pint nearby. Soon, it's John's turn to answer. He steps up nervously, and is confused as he looks at the screen. Confusion turns to anger as he starts hitting the machine, then turns on Trevor demanding to know why he told them. "I didn't tell them anything!" pleads a confused Trevor.

"It's not my fault" yells John "loads of people can't read!"

The crowd falls silent, and Martin asks John to confirm what he's just said: "You can't read? How do you get by?"

John motions to Trevor, "He reads for me, I slap people for him. But no more!" and storms out of the pub. Again.

Outside John listens in, with a smile growing on his face, as Nik points out that they just accused a guy who can't read of being a copper.

The Chief takes the team to a new office space for them to work in, a former warehouse, and supplies them with false police records. John reads his, and admits that with the "charges" he's had laid upon him in the past, he's not a man to be messed with.

Here is where we see the only actual football being played, as the lads kick a ball about in the warehouse, set to music, in one of the film's few uplifting scenes. It's worth mentioning here that the film's soundtrack was created by Will Gregory, who would go on to find success as one half of the band Goldfrapp.

It's Christmas Eve and John & Marie are preparing for the police Christmas party. Again, the atmosphere is tense as Marie takes John to task for his constant swearing, and accuses him of being impotent. They have brief, aggressive sex that borders on sexual assault, before John walks off to the kitchen to get a beer. Marie is upset and asks why John is always angry, "What's wrong with being happy?".

Later that evening, at the party, the men are gathered at the bar talking football. This is one of the few moments that offer some clue as to the period the film is set. I'd originally thought that the film was contemporary, set in the mid-90s, but conversely a time when football had shed much of its violent past on its way to becoming the family-friendly, big money entertainment that it has become now. The lads discuss the prospect of Shadwell winning promotion to Division One, and getting to face Arsenal, Liverpool & Manchester United. Those that are familiar with English football will know that the old Division One was re-branded as the Premier League in 1992, meaning that this film is set some time before then, possibly in the 80s, when hooliganism was rife, although it's never made clear if this is the case.

John is in the worst state of the group, he's drunk, verbally abusive to the bar staff, and angry that Marie is dancing with a senior officer. He suggests to Trevor that they go to The Rock instead, clearly he's now more comfortable amongst the regulars there than with fellow officers at a police function.

After the pub is closed for the night Lynda asks John to walk her home, they kiss, but John turns her down & leaves for home.

Despite John's reluctance to cheat it's a miserable day for both him & Marie; they eat their Christmas lunch in silence, and, later that night, we see Marie in bed alone, crying.

Post-Christmas and the team are back at work in their office space. As they listen to the cup draw on the radio they discuss who could be the likely ringleader of the Shadwell crew, the "general" that they've been assigned to uncover. However, they admit their reluctance at being able to turn in any of them, citing them as their friends. Charlie also admits he's having the time of his life running with the hooligans. Trevor is appalled at this, but before he has time to rebuke them the radio announces that Shadwell have been drawn away at local rivals Wapping...

The Shadwell fans are on the march through the streets of Wapping, there's a heavy police presence but some, including John, Martin & the others, break through their lines to chase down a small group of "Wappers" that have been goading them.

Trevor is split from the rest of the group and so jumps onto a bus instead, where he immediately trips over bags of shopping & is attacked by an elderly woman with an umbrella.

The rest of the group continue to give chase to the Wapping fans, but are led into a trap and outnumbered. They take shelter in a nearby chemists shop & arm themselves with aerosols, except for poor Gumbo who grabs a can of ant-killer. After some time they realise they've managed evaded a kicking so leave, and, in an unlikely turn of events, each apologise politely to the confused pharmacist.

They arrive at Wapping's ground, where Bob and some of the others meet them, Trevor also shows up sporting a bloodied eye which he claims he got from taking on a bus load of Wapping fans. Bob announces that he and a few of the others are going to go amongst the home supporters, to which John and a very reluctant Trevor agree to go as well. Martin and the rest of the regulars refuse to do it, as the last time some did they were seriously injured.

As the group enter the Wapping end of the ground even John looks nervous, knowing that they may have bitten off more than they can chew.

One of Bob's lieutenants (Jay's Dad from the TV show The Inbetweeners!), seeing John's nervousness, tells him to stay close and shows him that he's carrying a crowbar. Trevor sees too and realises that this has gone too far, so leaves, hurriedly. As he does so the group start up their chant: "We are Shadwell... The Kennel is our home...", and the Wapping fans turn on them.

The Shadwell contingent get a few hits in, but are coming off far worse when the police step in and haul them down the steps to the pitchside. John is dragged over the advertising hoardings (some of which show barely concealed adverts for Yorkshire-based businesses, betraying the film shoot's location again) and onto the pitch. From there John escapes from his police escort & runs the length of the pitch back to the Shadwell fans, where, bloodied & battered, he is welcomed back like a hero.

The violence is far from over though, as, once the match gets underway, uniformed police make sorties into the Shadwell support, dragging out random fans & beating them. When the fans react to this the heavily armed riot squad intervene to administer further beatings. 

Back at the squad's HQ John confronts Trevor angrily: "Where were you?!", Trevor admits that he "lost his bottle". 

Charlie & Eddie show John footage of a ringleader, instrumental in attacking Wapping fans & their fellow police officers. "Any idea who this runt is?" says Charlie, "No idea" replies John sarcastically as they watch the footage of him fighting & goading the Wapping fans.

The team are back at the station, in a meeting with the Chief, discussing their complaints of police brutality. The Chief tells them that their complaints have been investigated, but no action will be taken. Having witnessed the behaviour of the police at Wapping the team are incredulous.

Trevor then mentions that John had deftly got the hooligans onside by telling them he can't read or write. The Chief is confused, and asks how John has managed to become a police officer without being able to read. Again, the team are incredulous, as John spells out that it's part of his cover.

The Chief then informs the group that, while other forces are winding up their operations, the Shadwell team are to continue.

In a break from the film's inner-city locations we now find John & Marie on a beach in Spain. They're on holiday, but John is increasingly finding it difficult to switch off his undercover persona. He complains of being bored & pulls down his trunks to show Marie his bum, which is now tattooed with Shadwell Town's badge. He furiously points out that it's been there for six weeks and she hasn't noticed, before he storms off for beers.

This is a weird scene, which I can only assume was put in so some of the cast & crew could have a day or two on the beach, or maybe to receive some additional funding from the EU; the scene would've worked just as well in John & Marie's house, or even, perhaps to more dramatic effect, in the Italian restaurant from earlier.

Back in Shadwell, and John arrives at The Rock after hours to have sex with Lynda. Placing these two scenes together drives the point that Marie's John, the copper, is no more, and Lynda's John, the hooligan, has fully taken over.

It's another away game, and the Shadwell contingent are in a convoy of cars driving to the North-East to face Tyneburn, another fictitious club, but seemingly, given their red & black colours, a mix of real clubs Sunderland & Newcastle.

Inside the ground the group encounter a barrage of abuse and missiles from the locals, resulting in Gumbo copping a dart to the face.

The group are livid; Martin & Micky attempt to clamber the fences separating the two groups of fans, but are beaten back, while John & Trevor approach a local police sergeant who is looking on impassively. John tells him to do something to stop the violence, but is threatened with being arrested himself. Trevor has to stop John from retaliating, saying he'd lose his job, "Do you think I fackin' care?!" John retorts.

With emotions running high, the group break through police lines after the match to chase down a group of Tyneburn fans. They chase them to an empty marketplace, and straight into a trap, where they become hopelessly outnumbered by Tyneburn fans, led by two more familiar faces: Paul Brennen & Thomas Craig.

Most of the Shadwell firm turn & run, abandoning Martin & John, who, armed with just a bike chain & a screwdriver, ready themselves to face this huge group. The pair shout "Shadwell!" and run towards the northerners.

The screen goes black, and we hear police sirens...

We then see the Tyneburn fans running from the police, and Martin & John making their escape. John is covered in blood, but it's not his.

In bed with Lynda later, John relays the tale of the fight: he can't remember a thing, he blacked out, but wasn't scratched, "But some poor sod was" Lynda replies, thoughtfully.

John mentions that he didn't want to go that way, he still has a life to lead, he still wants kids. Lynda then points out that he's said he already has a son. Has John blown his cover?

Back at base the other three coppers refuse to talk to John, or even look him in the eye. It's Charlie who tells him he's gone too far. John still can't remember anything from the market, but Charlie tells him that CCTV captured it all, and Trevor drove back to Tyneburn to destroy the video & all other evidence that would incriminate John.

Trevor is in tears, but he & John hug, perhaps suggesting that there's hope for John after all?

Walking back into The Rock Martin & John are summoned to talk to local gangster Wynton, holding court at the corner of the bar. As they approach Martin is prevented from going further, only John is permitted to sit down.

Wynton has a job offer for John, he likes what he's seen and heard of him, and thinks he should leave the football hooliganism aside and use his penchant for violence elsewhere; he has friends who would be very interested in meeting him.

Wynton then explains that football is over, it's becoming sanitised, the hooligans will soon quit the lifestyle, settle down, take their families to the match; namely, pretty much exactly what did happen in the 90s.

Later, John returns to the office to find a bunch of uniformed coppers clearing out the team's files & computers. The others explain that the undercover team that had been sent to infiltrate Wapping's hooligans had been discovered to be making stuff up, and a high profile case fell over in court as a result, so the entire operation is to be shut down.

John is furious, after months he's finally got somewhere: the violence at games is just a sideshow, there's no conspiracy or organisation behind it, but it's led him to the proper gangsters who, while the police are sending all their resources to deal with the matchday violence, are exploiting the situation to ship drugs and guns around the country. However, it's all to no avail.

We find the four of them back in the Chief's office. They're informed that there will be no arrests, but each of them are to be commended on their work, and to return to uniformed duty in their community. Trevor is appalled, he and John are based in Shadwell, if they're seen back on the streets in uniform they're likely to be killed. The Chief is not interested in their excuses though.

I think this is the first time where it's mentioned that John & Trevor are based in Shadwell itself, and it does seem unlikely that two coppers from the local station would be sent undercover among the violent offenders of a football team. Even more unlikely that they would be returned to the very same locale, in uniform, once the undercover operation is over.

The Chief then tells the four that they are no longer permitted to visit The Rock, or to attend any more Shadwell matches, much to the group's disgust. It's Eddie who mentions that he already has tickets for the next match, and, if Shadwell were to win, they'd be promoted.

With the meeting over, the four, all disgruntled - but none more so than John - march out of the office. On the way Charlie meets an acquaintance from the Licensing Department who thanks him for their work. "Why would the Licensing Dept be interested in our operation?" asks Charlie, "We've been after The Rock for years. Illegal lock-ins, gambling, fighting: you've given us more than enough evidence to shut it down."

Over drinks the four lament their lot: "No more Rock... No more Bob... No more Martin & Nik... No more Gumbo! I fackin' love you Gumbo! No more Kennel... No more Shadwell...".

John ponders that he was a "Top Boy", to which Trevor points out that he never was, he was always an undercover cop.

John goes to Lynda's apartment, where she attacks him, telling him she knew it was him that closed The Rock; she was due to inherit the pub too, as you may recall. Lynda tells him that it's not Bob that can sniff out coppers, but her, and she knew about him & Trevor from the moment they first walked into the pub. She tells him she only slept with him for the thrill & the danger, and tells him to leave.

Without Lynda, John decides to win back Marie, in perhaps a last-ditch attempt to return to his previous life. But, he shows up at her parents' house drunk, and, when they refuse to allow him to see Marie, he starts verbally abusing both them and Marie, who is hiding inside.

Marie's father sets his dogs on him (poetic justice there, setting the dogs on a Dog), and as he leaves he turns and, apologetically and tearfully, says to Marie, as she listens in, "I still love you though...".

It's John's first day back in uniform, and he's at the station, drinking again. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, the same mirror that he & the others stood in front of earlier in the film where they recognised they looked too much like coppers. He doesn't like what he sees, a man in police uniform, and he attacks the mirror before being restrained by his colleagues.

We now see the extent of John's breakdown: alone and in tears, he starts smashing things around his house, starting with his police memorabilia and photos of him in uniform or with Marie. With his home trashed he then takes to burning Marie's belongings.

We see him opening a drug wrap & pouring its contents onto a bowl of cornflakes before eating them, as he listens to radio coverage of Shadwell's match. As the team win the game it's confirmed that Shadwell have also won promotion to the First Division, but John listens on impassively, his face blank.

In a clip of radio commentary that's all too easy to miss, we then hear "...everyone at the club of course stunned by that horrific fatal stabbing at Tyneburn.".

So, now we know what John did at the market.

It's some time later, and we're at the station with a now moustachioed Trevor, who's being asked by a detective to talk to a suspect in a petty robbery. It's a job that the detective thinks is beneath him, so has been told to pass it onto uniform. As he enters the interview room Trevor asks what the crime is: "He stole a jar of pickles from the factory he works in".

It's Gumbo.

Gumbo is confused to see Trevor in uniform: "Why you dressed like a copper Trev?"

"I am a copper" says Trevor. Gumbo is more confused "You wait until John hears about this, he'll go fackin' spare!".

The mention of his friend's name sends Trevor running out of the interview room, although I can't tell if he's meant to be in tears or laughing.

We're still with Trevor but he's not in uniform, he's off-duty and watching a group of skinheads march through the streets. Suddenly he sees something. With a flash of his badge to a nearby uniformed copper, he's through the barricades and approaches the marchers, amongst their number is John, head shorn & tattooed.

Trevor attempts to pull him to one side, asking what the hell he's doing with these neo-nazis. John angrily whispers "I'm on the job, now get lost before you get me killed".

Trevor takes a step back, but is unconvinced, as are we, the audience. One of the marchers throws a petrol bomb at a shop, causing the group to start chanting "Seig Heil". The camera lingers on John, and the credits roll, as he throws himself whole-heartedly into the nazi chant. 

As the film finishes, we're left to wonder: is he undercover, or has he totally lost all vestiges of his identity? 

Re-watching the film again, another possibility came to mind: when the team are introduced to their predecessors, we only see two of them. Is there a chance that the other members of the team are still undercover, perhaps having lost their identities too? This got me wondering if perhaps Martin & Nik, of whom we're told so little, but who are at the forefront of much of the violent incidents, might be part of that team too.

There's also an interesting side-story regarding police brutality, never completely explored, and the police turning a blind eye to violence when it's committed by their local hooligans; witness the attacks on the Shadwell fans at Wapping, and the negligent Sergeant at the Tyneburn game. 

I no longer live in the UK, but I do recall seeing huge police operations take place whenever certain teams played away. I remember seeing Millwall fans (the supposed inspiration behind the Shadwell firm) being escorted by police on horseback from the railway station to the football ground when I lived in Coventry, with helicopters buzzing overhead and police operatives filming them all the way. There was no deviance from the allotted path allowed by anyone.

Going out for a beer that day I was even asked by a doorman to prove that I wasn't a Millwall fan, so had to show ID (topical!) that displayed my Coventry address before I was allowed into my local pub.

Whenever other teams visited Coventry the fans would usually be free to roam around the city, visiting bars & pubs, even shopping if they so wanted to, with no interference from the police.

One has to ask: would Millwall fans continue to have such a reputation if they weren't treated in such a way whenever they travelled the country to support their team?

I.D. is a hard-hitting film, and is often seen as the precursor of other, more sensationalist, hooligan-inspired films that followed, but it's more than that. I reckon it should rank alongside films like Donnie Brasco, not a film about hooliganism, but one in which the lines between undercover operations and criminality are blurred. 

Having watched the trailer for the sequel I have to say it does look intriguing too: it appears to have much the same plot, but adds religious intolerance, racism (which, the final scene apart, is not touched upon in the original), the commercialisation of football, and the big money investments/buy-outs that have seen previously down-at-heel clubs able to compete with the traditional giants of the game.

Trevor and Eddie also make appearances, Trevor still in uniform, Eddie as a mentor to the young copper going undercover, and there's also a clip of an older Gumbo, a relic of Shadwell's past, entering the stadium, hands aloft and shouting "Shadwell Army!".

"I fackin' love you Gumbo"

Fin