Waterworld

During my time as a projectionist there was a spate of futuristic dystopian films all released within weeks of each other: Tank Girl (already covered in this blog), Judge Dredd, and this, the most expensive film ever made (at the time), Waterworld.

Waterworld was cursed from the beginning, and primed to fail by critics and reviewers even before filming had been completed. There were reports of onset arguments, tales of Costner living a life of luxury while the other cast & crew were housed in shacks without air-con, and even weather problems, as high winds, rain & hurricanes buffeted the sets. One storm even destroyed an entire set, resulting in a sub-plot about slavers having to be discarded. 

In all honesty though, what was seen as a vanity project after star Kevin Costner & director Kevin Reynolds took the reins on what was meant to be a kids adventure movie (a kind of Mad Max meets the Goonies) is actually not that bad.

Many still point to the huge budget, over $175m, as being massively excessive, and, while they're right, it has to be said that that's been surpassed many times since then. And, unlike so many other films with similarly huge budgets, you can really see where the money went in Waterworld. The sets & effects are fantastic.

Interestingly, Waterworld is also not the huge loss-making flop that many still view it as. It actually turned a small profit, especially once released on VHS (& later DVD) and watching it now, it stands up as a decent film.

We open with the Universal logo, a spinning planet Earth than film-goers know well. Only this time the land starts to disappear under the water as the polar ice-caps melt. A booming voice over tells us that this is "The future... [I don't think it's mentioned, but it's meant to be 2500]. The polar ice caps have melted, covering the earth with water. Those who survived have adapted, to a new world."

We zoom down to the planet to see a cup, perched on a rusty trimaran, and Costner's Mariner is peeing in it. Probably the only big budget film to start with such an opening scene.

The Mariner then takes his pee, pours it into a filtration device, and after it's done what it needs to do, he takes a drink of the resultant clear fluid, then spits whats left onto a small lime tree. While water may be everywhere, it's clear that the drinkable stuff is in short supply.

The Mariner then dives overboard, while the camera then takes a tour of the boat, showing us the various present-day stuff that he has accumulated over time.

While he's underwater we see a hand reach out & pluck the limes from his tree, then , when he eventually surfaces, carrying a pair of boots & leaving a glass jar floating in the water, we see a boat moored up alongside the trimaran & a fellow sailor aboard.

The two talk & the other sailor speaks of an atoll, 8 days sailing away from where they are, and where he was able to find supplies. The other sailor also talks of the amount of time the Mariner was underwater, to which he offers as a reason that his hull is damaged and has an air pocket, enabling him to stay under for longer. It's worth remembering that bit.

While the two talk they are watched by a group of unsavoury looking characters on rusty jet-skis (everything is rusty in Waterworld); the other sailor spots them & makes ready to leave, recognising them as Smokers, the film's antagonists. As he does so he reveals that he did board the Mariner's craft & steal his limes. Costner is torn between escape, revenge & retrieval of his glass jar, but his boat is so well crafted & fast that he's able to do all three. While getting away he runs his trimaran over the other boat, toppling its mast & leaving the lime thief to the Smokers.

Later, presumably 8 days later, the Mariner reaches the atoll, an impressively large circular fortress floating in the sea. It's in sets like this that the film's budget is so visibly on display. Blocked from getting in by the atoll's gatekeeper the Mariner reaches for the jar that he saved from the skirmish with the Smokers & shows what's inside: it's dirt, a valuable commodity in Waterworld.

The gatekeeper lets him in & he sails in to dock his craft. Whilst doing so he passes a funeral, in which a dead woman is tipped into a slimy substance, presumably to rot away into some form of compost.

The Mariner trades his dirt for what we can assume to be a substantial amount of "chits", such is its value, and walks to the nearby store.

Here we meet Nord, played by Northern Irish actor Gerard Murphy. He's being told by another character (credited as a "Hydroholic") that one of the children of the atoll has a map tattooed on her back, a map that leads to the mythical "dry land".

The Mariner orders a couple of glasses of "hydro" & a tomato plant from the bartender, Helen, played by Jeanne Tripplehorn, an actress who was ubiquitous in the 90s. While he's at the bar Nord sidles up to him to ask him for a glass of hydro (he refuses), offers to buy his boots (he refuses) then they both watch as Helen's young daughter Enola enters, the aforementioned tattoo on her back clearly visible.

After the Mariner rids himself of Nord - "why are you still talking to me?" - Helen asks him if he's seen dry land, to which he replies that, after 15 months at sea, he hasn't.

As the Mariner returns to his boat with what little supplies he has managed to get, he's approached by a number of villagers, asking him to impregnate a young girl. He refuses. This raises the suspicions of the villagers, who now suspect of him of being a Smoker spy. 

I'm not sure of the logic here, are the Smokers celibate? Or gay? It's not made clear. 

They attack him & find that he has gills behind his ears, signifying that he's a mutation, and explains why he was able to spend so long underwater earlier.

After a fight with some of the locals the resident lawman, The Enforcer, intervenes & arrests the Mariner for disturbing the peace, before imprisoning him in a cage.

Later that night Helen, Enola & an elderly villager named Gregor discuss how to interpret Enola's tattoos. Gregor suggests that the Mariner might know so goes to speak to him, whilst confirming that, as well as gills, Costner's character also has webbed toes, and rather poorly conceived, rubbery webbed toes at that.

The Mariner offers Gregor nothing and the next day he's found guilty of being a spy & sentenced to be lowered into the same gloop that the dead woman was tipped into earlier, for "recycling". The Enforcer apologises for this, making it clear to the Mariner that he had nothing to do with the decision.

While Costner, still in his cage, is being lowered into the slime a lookout spots a flotilla of Smokers approaching & sounds the alarm. They attack, and it becomes apparent that there was a Smoker spy in the atoll, but it was Nord, not the Mariner.

The Smokers' leader, the Deacon (Dennis Hopper, seemingly having the time of his life) barks instructions to his troops & they attack with machine guns, steer jet-skis over ramps & under the water into the atoll itself, even ramming the atoll's walls in kamikaze attacks. They kill many of the atoll-dwellers as they do, who can only respond with ineffective water cannons & the occasional fireball from a trebuchet.

An attack on Gregor's home has the effect of prematurely launching his hot air balloon. Gregor manages to climb aboard, but despite his best efforts to save them he leaves Helen & Enola behind. They then turn to the Mariner, still stuck in a cage partially submerged in slime, and offer to free him in return for him getting them to safety. He agrees and is freed from the cage. 

There follows a complex & really quite impressive series of stunts in which Costner uses various ropes & pulleys to get to his boat, opens the atoll's gates, kill a few dozen Smokers, rescue Helen & Enola, harpoon one of the Smoker gunboats & pulls it around so that it attacks its own, destroying the Deacon's command boat as he does, and get away.

During the battle the Deacon makes it clear that he despises sail boats; the heavy polluting, inefficient engines of the Smokers' crafts being more to his liking, and the reason for their name.

With the battle over the remaining Smokers take control of the atoll. As Nord commands all men to search for the tattooed girl the Deacon arrives, minus his left eye. They torture two captives into revealing that Enola left with "a muto", i.e. Costner's Mariner.  After promising that he wouldn't kill the man who revealed the whereabouts of the girl, the Deacon then gets Nord to do it for him, before joking that they need to "keep an eye out" for him. He's missing an eye, see?

Perhaps one of Waterworld's shortcomings is that Hopper's Deacon is quite a comical character. He cracks jokes throughout, and where he's meant to appear threatening he doesn't quite manage it. He's just not that malevolent, and his army of Smokers wouldn't look out of place in a slapstick comedy.

Waterworld is often compared to the Mad Max films (I've even done it myself here), but where those films had some truly terrifying villains, Deacon & the Smokers just don't seem that scary. Nord is probably the only truly villainous one of the group, as we'll see later.

On the his boat the Mariner is telling Helen that Enola has to go over the side as he doesn't have enough water & supplies for all three of them. Helen tries to reason with him, even to the point of stripping off & offering herself to him, which, like the offer to impregnate the girl in the atoll, he refuses, saying she has "nothing I need". Angry, Helen then turns his own harpoon gun on him. He drops a sail on her head & knocks her out, before continuing to sail away into the sunset.

I'm not sure how long days last in Waterworld, but the Mariner was to be executed at dawn. Now, after the battle at the atoll & a brief conversation on the boat, the sun is now setting. The day seemed to have lasted only a few hours at most.

At Smoker HQ (which is fully revealed later, in another impressive shot) we see the Deacon get fitted for a glass eye. His sycophantic men announce it looks great, so he turns to a boy for his opinion: "It looks shit", "It does look shit" says Deacon, and removes it, saying that children at least tell him the truth. Again, not very menacing. 

Another man arrives & says there's a problem "in the pit". Deacon, Nord & a few others get into a car, and with Henry Mancini's iconic Peter Gunn theme blaring they set off through what looks like a post-apocalyptic wasteland. You know the type, where people in rags huddle around bins that have been set ablaze.

On arriving at the pit, a deep fuel tank in which an elderly man is afloat in a small boat, taking depth measurements, they're informed that "the black stuff" is running low. Deacon tells the Smokers that no fuel burning is permitted, except when searching for the girl, the hunt for her is everything.

Back on the trimaran Enola is in trouble for decorating the boat, so the Mariner chucks her into the water. Helen screams that the girl can't swim, before diving in to save her. Coming to his senses, the Mariner stops the boat & circles back to rescue them. As he does so a plane flies overhead, piloted by a young, and virtually unrecognisable, Jack Black. 

As the plane attacks the Mariner goes down below to gather weapons, but, thinking he's deserted them, Helen again grabs the harpoon & fires, killing the machine-gunner, but causing the plane, now caught by the harpoon's rope, to fly around the boat in ever-decreasing circles, knocking out a mast and inflicting yet more damage.

The pilot leans out & shoots the rope, thereby freeing the plane & enabling him to make a getaway. Back on the boat the Mariner inspects the damage, and angrily chops off both Helen & Enola's hair with a machete. Why though? I'm not so sure. I'm not even sure what this is meant to symbolise about the Mariner's character, that he's just deeply unpleasant, perhaps?

With a report on their location from Jack Black's pilot, the Deacon & Nord discuss where the Mariner is likely to go. Once again, the conversation is comical, with "logic" akin to the infamous poisoned cup dialogue from The Princess Bride. The Deacon also refers to the Mariner as an "Icthydemon" during this conversation, one of a number of humorous fish-related names he comes up with during the film. "Gentleman Guppy" being another.

We jump back to the trimaran, and the Mariner has spotted another boat, piloted by a man credited as "The Drifter". Like Nord, this man is Irish, but from the Republic. It's good to know that hundreds of years after an apocalypse wipes out most of humanity that there will still be people speaking with regional Irish accents.

The Drifter is clearly quite mad, after years alone at sea, but he arranges to trade a few pages of a magazine with the Mariner for 30 minutes with Helen; like dirt, paper & reading material are clearly very valuable commodities here. The Mariner agrees, then immediately thinks better of this. As the Drifter & Helen go below decks on his boat, and he undresses to ready himself for 30 minutes with a disgusted Helen, the Mariner turns up to rescind on the deal. The Drifter is unimpressed with this, thinking that they had a deal, the two fight, and after a brief moment when it looks like the Drifter has won, it's then revealed that he's fatally wounded & dies. The Mariner pitches him overboard.

Helen & Enola go through the Drifter's belongings & find a fishing rod, which the Mariner immediately discards, preferring his own fishing technique: once underway he ties a rope to himself, pops a knife into his mouth, then jumps into the water allowing the boat to drag him. Within seconds a large sea creature emerges from the water & swallows him whole. The Mariner then kills the creature from the inside & we later see the three of them eating a feast of cooked mutated shark. Yum.

We also hear Enola sing a little ditty that is to have further meaning later in the film.

The Mariner tells Enola that he has never encountered someone who couldn't swim; which, it being Waterworld, is understandable. So, the next day the Mariner teaches Enola how to swim. Fortunately, and conveniently, at a time when the sea creatures are asleep. 

By the way, this whole scene goes on way too long. It's like they needed an excuse or reason to use their underwater cameras so went all in for about 20 minutes. It does, however, show us that the relationship between the three characters has now evolved into a friendship, albeit very, very quickly. Remember it's been less than 24 hours since he was pimping Helen for some pages of a magazine, and not too much longer that he was throwing Enola overboard & hacking at their hair with a machete.

Later, the trimaran approaches a stationary, floating platform, on which people can be seen waving. The Mariner calls out in the language of the seas: Portu-Greek (a nice touch that, a mixture of the languages of two historically significant sea-faring nations). When there is no response the trio's suspicions are aroused. Helen spots that the people are tied up & waving via a series of pulleys (like in Weekend at Bernies).

Meanwhile the Mariner tastes the water & finds traces of fuel. Using an inverted periscope-like device in the boat's hull he sees that a group of Smokers are on jet-skis under the water. It's a trap! The Deacon & the others are on the platform controlling the pulleys attached to the corpses of its inhabitants.

More nautical hi-jinks ensue as the Mariner lets loose his sails & they get away, but not before he's winged by a rifle shot from the Deacon.

While being tended to by Helen the Mariner admits that he has never seen dry land, and has no idea where he's taking them. She asks, if he hasn't been there, then why does he have so many strange things on his boat that suggest he has. She also offers a theory that people used to live on dry land, not on the water. Crazy talk, right?

The Mariner then takes her underwater in a diving bell, showing her stuff from our time, and a city, actually Denver, where even the mountains & ski fields are submerged. Despite being 500 years in the future, and long after after an apocalyptic flood, many of the things they find are remarkably well-preserved & recognisable.

Interestingly the Mariner uses flares to light the way as he pulls the diving bell under water. It's not explained how he managed to come by these. Even if he were to find them, I'm sure they would've corroded or become ineffective by this time, but he seems to have a plentiful supply.

When the two of them return to the boat they find that the Deacon & his Smokers have got there. The Mariner really should keep an eye out while he's underwater, he's only gone deep sea diving twice in the film so far, and each time he's been surprised by others when he's come back up.

Enola, presumably having kept a better lookout than the adults and seen the Smokers approach, has hidden, but reveals herself when the Deacon threatens to shoot Helen & the Mariner. They manage to escape by jumping overboard, but Enola is taken captive. While the Mariner keeps Helen alive underwater by breathing for them both the Smokers burn his boat & leave.

At Smoker HQ the Deacon interrogates Enola about her tattoo, and she announces to him & his crew that the Mariner will come for her.

Back on the remains of the trimaran Helen asks the Mariner why he refused sex with her when she offered. He admits that he knew she didn't want him, this leads to them kissing, then presumably having some mutant, fish-like sex which doesn't bear thinking about.

Afterwards, as they take stock of their situation & come to the realisation that they are likely to die on the boat Gregor arrives in his balloon, one of the worst examples of Deus ex Machina ever committed to film.

Gregor takes the pair to a new, smaller atoll where he & some of the other survivors of the earlier battle with the Smokers, including the sympathetic Enforcer, have set up home.

The group discuss the Smokers, Enola, the tattoo, and Gregor & the Mariner begin to piece together the tattoo's meaning. The Mariner takes a jet-ski & leaves, resolving to bring Enola back.

The Deacon and his men are studying Enola's tattoo, and cannot make any sense of it, one of the crew suggests cutting it out & stretching it over a frame to make it clearer, but again, as they're rather non-threatening villains, this is not followed through, luckily for Enola. When his men leave the Deacon toast a photo of a man on the wall and addresses him as "St. Joe".

As the Mariner approaches, we see the Smokers' HQ for the first time, it's the Exxon Valdez, of the infamous Alaskan oil spill of 1989; and "St. Joe" is the ship's captain of that time, Captain Joseph Hazelwood.

A sidenote: it was widely reported in the media at the time of the spill that Capt Hazelwood was an alcoholic, and was to blame for the accident. It has been suggested by people involved in the making of Waterworld that the Smokers' seemingly endless supply of booze & cigarettes is meant to be Hazelwood's personal supply, so large that there is still enough for the Smokers 500 years into the future.

The Deacon addresses the entire crew from the ship's bridge, there are hundreds of them. Again, the film's budget is right there on screen as hordes fill the deck of the rusting supertanker. The Deacon announces that "dry land is not just our destination, it is our destiny", a quote I remember well from the trailers. 

He then goes on to say that, once found, they will exploit the land by felling trees, damming rivers etc. and so on; proving that he hasn't learned from humanity's mistakes.

After whipping them up into a frenzy he urges them to man the oars, like a viking longboat, & row the Valdez to dry land despite none of them having quite worked out how to find it. 

Incidentally, despite the sheer numbers of Smokers present, using oars to move a ship the size of the Valdez has to be physically impossible, but then, that was maybe the plan, to just deceive the crew into believing they're making headway while they decipher the map.

Meanwhile the Mariner is making his way through the ship, killing Smokers indiscriminately. As he does, Enola tells stories of how he will take his vengeance on the Smokers to a disconcerted Nord, who sneaked away from the others in order to steal some whiskey. Nord, in response, becomes nasty & threatens to kill Enola.

With the crew below decks, only The Deacon & a few others, including Nord & Enola, remain on the bridge. The Mariner approaches on the ship's deck, when Enola excitedly recognises him & calls out.

The Deacon, seeing him, refers to him as "the turd that wont flush", then looks on in horror as he lights another of his flares & holds it over an opening leading to the fuel tanks. "I've come for the girl" he says, "she's my friend" - Aw!

The Deacon calls his bluff, saying that to drop the flare would kill them all, so... the Mariner drops it anyway. Way below, the elderly man who sits afloat the oil sees the flare & whispers "Thank God" as he, and the fuel, ignites.

There follows another cracking action sequence: lots of fire, explosions, and more aerial stunts. The Deacon attempts to make a getaway with Enola in the plane, only to be thwarted when the Mariner brings it down with a harpoon & grappling hook. We also see the end of the villainous Nord when he is shot by the Mariner. While this goes on the Smokers abandon ship in their droves.

The atoll-dwellers then show up in the balloon again (there's that handy Deus ex Machina), and lower a rope for the Mariner & Enola. The Deacon grabs hold too, but a timely intervention from Helen, throwing something hard & heavy at his head, knocks him off the rope. 

As the Valdez sinks the Deacon reaches a jet-ski, grabs a rifle, and shoots at the balloon, causing it to rock & Enola to fall into the water. The Deacon & some of his other men, also on jet-skis, converge on Enola (lucky she was taught how to swim, eh?), but are no match for a bungee-jumping Mariner who plucks her to safety as the Smokers crash into each other & their jet-skis explode.

Back on the balloon Gregor & the Mariner finally manage to interpret the markings on Enola's back & steer a course for dry land. If only the Mariner had agreed to pool resources with Gregor earlier, they could have already been safely ensconced on dry land by now.

After some time in the air a seagull lands on the balloon. Apart from the sea creature, this is the first wildlife we've seen in Waterworld, and the inference being that they're nearing dry land. As the clouds part (also the first we've seen in the film) a lush, green, mountainous island is sighted.

The group land & explore the island. They find fruit, birds, horses, fresh water, although its source is not fully explained, and a cave-dwelling with two skeletons inside, lying side-by-side. There's a small music box too, which, once played, plays the ditty that Enola was singing earlier in the film. Once she hears it Enola announces "I'm home".

The two skeletons are her parents (alluded to in the version I watched, although there is apparently an alternate version that makes this clear), who sent her away when they realised they were dying, but tattooed the coordinates of their location so she could find her way back once she was older.

I can't help but think she may have been safer fending for herself on the island, even though she was young, than cast adrift at sea, but who am I to argue with the inhabitants of a post-apocalyptic world?

Some time later the Mariner has built himself a new, wooden boat & makes ready to leave. There are some tears from Helen & Enola as he goes, but he has come to realise that his place is on the water (he is part-fish, after all). As Helen & Enola watch from a high point of the island he sets sail, cueing up a sequel that never eventuated.

According to IMDB there is another deleted scene showing the group discovering a plaque referencing the Hillary/Norgay conquest of Everest, thereby proving that dry land is, in fact, the top of that mountain. I like to think it was edited out because (to the best of my knowledge) no such plaque exists at the top of Everest, and the one they created had the British flag on it, not New Zealand's, the land of Hillary's birth, but it's probably more likely that the producers thought that audiences wouldn't understand the reference.

As mentioned earlier, Waterworld is nowhere near as bad as it's often perceived to be. It owes a massive debt to the Mad Max films, especially the second film in the series, with which it shares a lot of similarities. There are traces of its beginnings as a kids adventure film too, its original premise, with the comical Smokers & a lead role for a child. 

But, for all Waterworld's faults, it's a good, solid action film, and has an eco-message that, despite its implicitness, is not rammed home in a preachy manner. I recall that, despite the negative press, crowds did still turn up to watch it, not in huge numbers, but it got a respectable audience in the cinema I worked in.

Incidentally, the two Kevins, star Costner & director Reynolds, had a falling out during the making of the film, resulting in Reynolds leaving & Costner having to step in to the director's chair, although only Reynolds is credited as director. Having worked together frequently before Waterworld it would be another 17 years before the two would work together again.

The muted critical response & lack of a sequel didn't stop Costner from appearing as another Mad Max-style drifter without a name in a post-apocalyptic dystopia; a few years later he would make The Postman, an even less well-received film that made even less of an... um... splash than Waterworld.

Fin 

Richie Rich

When I reviewed the quite appalling Angels in the Outfield I made a mention of there being a number of films screened during my time as a projectionist that I wouldn't enjoy re-watching, and looking through the list I've compiled it seems that they're mostly kids films.
And so, when my son spotted Macaulay Culkin's last film as a child star, Richie Rich (or Ri¢hie Ri¢h, to give it its official name) on Netflix, and asked that we watch it, recognising it as one of the films on the list, it was with a heavy heart that I agreed.
In all honesty though, it's not nearly as bad as I remember it. Admittedly, as with most of the films screened during my time as a projectionist, I only saw snippets when I attended to focusing duties in the projection booth, but I recall not loitering around to watch any more than was absolutely necessary.

Based on a long-running comic, that I don't recall ever seeing in the UK, the film begins with the opening of a bank vault (and closes with the closing of a bank vault, for those that hang around long enough to see it), to drive home the point that he's Rich by name, and rich by birth. We then have a brief introduction of the character, via voiceover, supplied by the Rich family's butler, Cadbury, played by Hollywood's perpetual stiff-upper lipped Brit, Jonathan Hyde (whom I've just discovered is not an Englishman, but an Australian).
Cadbury explains, over shots of Richie's birth, early childhood etc. that Richie was born the wealthiest baby in the world. His toys are all gold, he lives in a stately home, has anything & everything he could possibly hope for.
So far, so Trump.
However, Richie's parents dote on him & each other, so our hero is unlikely to grow up into a narcissistic pastiche of a Bond villain with sociopathic disorders.

Richie's dad, Richard, played by Edward Herrmann, in much the same role as he would later fill as the family patriarch in the long-running TV show The Gilmore Girls, is a loving father & a philanthropist, who spends as much time as he can with his son. It's here that we briefly see Macaulay's brother Rory Culkin in the role, playing the younger Richie.
Richard & Richie are fond of playing baseball together, but Richard's business often takes him away, and so, when we finally meet the elder Culkin brother in the role, he's playing baseball with a group of professional players, whom I suppose we're meant to recognise (imdb tells me that the coach is Reggie Jackson, a baseball Hall of Famer).
As with Angels in the Outfield, there are a number of baseball references in this film that I, and I guess many others in a UK audience at the time, would fail to appreciate. However, even I know that runs are scored in baseball, something that the family's English butler failed to grasp, even though I'd assume he'd have some experience of cricket.

With his father otherwise engaged Richie is sent, by helicopter, to be the family's representative at the re-opening of a factory, United Tools, in what is implied to be a working-class part of the city. Cadbury, whom we're beginning to learn is a more visible presence in Richie's life than his parents, attends too, and catches the eye of the factory's union rep, Diane.
Richie gives his speech, which goes down well, as it would, his father has just bought the factory & kept it open, running it at a loss too, meaning the workers keep their jobs while the company attempts to revive its fortunes. Rich Sr is that kind of guy, why can't more billionaires be like this? Or like Bruce Wayne?
Before Richie & his entourage leave he spots a group of kids playing baseball nearby and walks over to join them. In case it hasn't been driven home by Cadbury's exposition already, Richie has everything he could want, but friends.
Richie's security detail, Ferguson, grabs him to prevent him from getting too near to the kids, much to Cadbury's disapproval.
We see here the first of a few McDonald's product placements, as one of the baseball-playing group munches on a packet of fries as they discuss how Richie may have everything, but seems lonely.

Back home and Richie's mother Regina (played by stage actress Christine Ebersole) is overseeing the construction of Mount Richmore, a huge Rushmore-like sculpture of the family being carved into a nearby mountain by an artist with a giant laser. Richie asks Regina if he can have some friends visit, which she takes to mean having to organise a dinner party, while Richie just wants to "hang".
Richie is then taken for his science lesson with Rich Corporation's chief scientist Professor Keenbean. In a strange piece of casting Keenbean is played by American actor Michael McShane, a relative unknown in the US, but well known to UK audiences, especially at that time, as he was a familiar face on UK TV, and a regular contestant on the improv TV show Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Now, you know how, in the Bond movies, whenever Bond visits Q, pretty much everything he's shown comes in useful at some later stage of the film? So it is here.
Keenbean shows Richie his new creations: a Sub-Atomic Molecular Re-Organizer that changes trash to useful products, a powerful glue named Cementia, a spray that makes clothes bulletproof, and a tiny robotic bee. Later Keenbean will introduce the Smell Master 9000, a device for enhancing & recognising scents.
Remember these, they'll all become relevant later.

Later that night one of the Rich Corporation executives arrives at the family home for dinner: Van Dough (John Larroquette). It's clear that he's an unpleasant character, as he sacks his driver for parking the car near a puddle and mutters conspiratorially with Ferguson, the heavy-handed security man from earlier.
Over dinner Van Dough asks Richie's parents why they make so many substantial donations to charity, which angers Regina. Richard also explains his plan for United Tools, to improve the company, then hand it back to the workers for them to own & run. Van Dough is horrified, but his mood improves, and eyes light up, when Richard mentions his vault, containing the family's most prized treasures.

The next morning Richie is woken and informed by Cadbury that it's time for his exercise class, which Richie is reluctant to do. That is, until he learns that his usual trainer, "Arnold" is not available, and has been replaced by Claudia Schiffer. As she walks in Macaulay Culkin breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera with a smirk that veers towards a leer. There then follows the film's most bizarre scene, as Claudia leads Richie & Cadbury in an aerobics class, while the pair ogle her from behind and exchange sideways glances as she bends over. I'm sure Richie's behaviour is exactly what one would expect from a 14 year old (Culkin's age at the time), but there's something not quite right seeing him & Hyde (then in his mid 40s) conspiring to ogle a girl in her early 20s.

After aerobics Richie powers up another Keenbean's devices, the DadLink, a huge computer that locates and provides access to Richard whenever he's not home. The DadLink reports that Richard is at the White House, where we see him advising the President on economic policy (as if! Oh, wait...).
Richie and his father have a brief video call. The point of this scene is to introduce the DadLink. As with Keenbean's other inventions, this will be relevant later.
To be honest, having now watched two kids films from this era, I find this method to be far preferable to the constant exposition that Angels in the Outfield employed.

Richie is taken to school, a huge stately home-style building where every child is dropped off by a Bentley or Rolls-Royce. Richie and his schoolmates are being taught by Ben Stein, the infamous "Bueller...? Bueller...?" teacher. Today's lesson is business, but not a typical lesson:
"Let's move on to case study #12: Your company is in dire straits. Sales are down 50% due to stiff price competition. Dividends are falling. Stockholders are demanding that you step down as chairman of the board. Now, here's your problem: How do you rally the board of directors to your side AND stave off impending bankruptcy?"
Richie's classmates are all very adult-like in their mannerisms & responses, whereas it's made clear that Richie just wants friends of his own age. Richie's attempts during a fencing lesson to invite them to his house to "hang" fail, as all of them have other plans.

Driving home Cadbury informs Richie that he is to go to England with his parents to have tea with the Queen. Richie is upset, as, once again, he just wants to do regular "kid stuff", so tells the driver to take a right towards United Tools. This then begs the question as to why he needed to go there by helicopter earlier, when it's a short diversion from his route to school?

Richie spots the group of kids from earlier, and makes a bet that he can hit a ball pitched by the group's leader, a redheaded girl named Gloria, also the daughter of the Diane, the union official that flirted with Cadbury.
It was my son that pointed out that these kids are wearing the same outfits they had on in their first scene. They're either really poor, or maybe the the two scenes were filmed back-to-back.
Richie wins the bet by hitting the ball so far it smashes a window in the factory. But, I suppose he can get away with that, his dad does own the factory...
The group of kids give Richie their money, which, of course, he doesn't want; he just wants to play with them. They get angry & make him leave, which he does too, upset and with his head down.

The next day the Rich family are readying their plane to fly to England. Richie confesses to his father that he'd rather not go, and Cadbury makes the suggestion that he can stay with him, which his parents agree to.
As the plane is loaded with presents for the Queen, including the SmellMaster 9000 (which Richard suggests will take Her Majesty's mind off her children - a quip still relevant 25 years later), we see Ferguson place another parcel in amongst the gifts before leaving, not realising that Richie isn't on the plane.

Back home and Cadbury announces to Richie that he has arranged for the United Tools kids to visit, accompanied by Gloria's mother Diane. While Cadbury & Diane continue their PG-rated flirting Richie shows the kids his home, with its own McDonald's (product placement again), and they entertain themselves on quad bikes, jet skis, and the Kidapult, a giant catapult used for flinging the group onto a giant inflatable mat.

Back at Rich HQ Van Dough is arranging to move into Richard's office, while over the Atlantic the Rich parents, who are piloting the plane themselves, have found Ferguson's package. Using the SmellMaster they identify it as a bomb, and get it out of the plane, but not fast enough to prevent them crash-landing in the ocean.

Meanwhile, Richie's new friends are leaving, after a great day, when one of them lets slip that they were offered $100 each to play with Richie. Gloria tells him to forget it, as they had a good time, but Richie overhears. However, this isn't the only bad news he gets as he's told his parents have gone missing. Richie races to the DadLink, only for it to report "Dad Not Found"

Ferguson reveals to Van Dough that Richie wasn't on the plane, to which Van Dough is not concerned, "he won't be a problem" he says.

Fortunately Richard & Regina have survived the crash, and are afloat in a life raft, with some supplies, but the DadLink device is broken. Regina knows the bomb was Van Dough's doing, and tells Richard he should have got rid of him years ago. Richard makes the statement that he's never fired anyone. However, with them adrift at sea, they both realise that Richie's life may be in danger.

We're at Rich HQ again, where Van Dough is announcing to the board that they are to close United Tools (he really has it in for this small factory & its staff). When news of this reaches Gloria she calls Richie to inform him, and he immediately goes to the office with Cadbury to have a word with Van Dough. When they arrive Van Dough is having an unpleasant and potentially abusive moment with one of his secretaries, much to the displeasure of the senior secretarial staff.
Richie announces that he & Cadbury are taking over the business, and United Tools are to stay open.

There follows a montage of Richie leading the company from strength to strength, with his new friends in tow. Where van Dough wants to lay off employees, Richie instead makes the board take a pay cut; where Van Dough wants to scrimp on nuts in one of the company's chocolate bars, Richie arranges for more to be put in, and on it goes.
Exasperated by this Van Dough and Ferguson hatch a further plot.

Meanwhile, back in the Atlantic, Richie's parents spot one of their trunks from the plane & find a lady shaver, which Richard realises he could use to fix the DadLink.

Back in the Rich boardroom the police arrive to arrest Cadbury after an anonymous tip-off has led them to discover bomb-making equipment in his quarters; Van Dough announces that he has petitioned to become Richie's guardian. He then fires all the house staff, replacing them with Ferguson's security guards, who go about installing CCTV cameras throughout the house, including Richie's room. Richie is also forbidden to attend board meetings.

Van Dough tells Ferguson of his plot to get into the vault, have Cadbury killed in prison, and for it to be made to look like suicide (a dark turn for a kids' film) while Keenbean listens from the floor below using one of his devices. Keenbean informs Richie of the plot, and hands him some corrosive paste, ideal for melting prison bars.

Richie takes the paste, disguised as toothpaste, to the prison, in a parcel for Cadbury, together with a card, with instructions for its use written in Latin.
We then see Cadbury opening his package of supplies, as a hairy biker type enters the room to kill him. Cadbury wins the ensuing, offscreen fight and, having translated the Latin note, uses the paste to disintegrate the bars & make his escape, to find Richie waiting outside.

Cadbury, now wearing the biker's clothes, and Richie, go to Gloria's house and use her computer to hack into the Dadlink at the mansion. At that precise time Richard gets the DadLink working.

Unfortunately, Ferguson's guards at the house also see this, and cut the connection before Richie can find out his parents' location. They then tell Ferguson & Van Dough, who are busying themselves torturing Keenbean in order to find out the location of the vault. Van Dough now realises he can rescue Richard & Regina, and use them to access the vault, which rather makes his entire plot to kill them & steal their money somewhat pointless.
Out at sea Richie's parents spot a rescue plane.

Later that night Richie, Cadbury, Gloria & the other kids, and, for some reason, Diane, sneak into the mansion's grounds to rescue Keenbean. Having done so Richie & Cadbury then go to the DadLink to finish trying to locate his parents, only to find the pair of them already there, having been "rescued" by Van Dough's goons. They reveal that the vault is in fact Mount Richmore, the entire mountain.
Meanwhile, outside the mansion, Diane & the kids are captured by the guards, they are then imprisoned with Richie & Cadbury in cages on a conveyor belt leading to Keenbean's Sub-Atomic Molecular Re-Organizer. Keenbean, having evaded escape, uses his Cementia & the Robobee to trap the guards, batter the hapless Ferguson, and free the kids. Richie then races to save his parents.

Richard & Regina open the vault, only for Van Dough to be disappointed with what he finds: photos, personal belongings, Richie's baby clothes etc. the things they truly value, more than their wealth - "Aw!".
Furious, Van Dough orders his guards to shoot them both, only for Richie to show up just in time. Van Dough grabs the gun and shoots Richie, except... Richie has doused his clothes in Keenbean's bulletproof spray, so is unharmed. My son, echoing a line from Dumb & Dumber, a film that will feature in a future blog, asked "What if he shot him in the face?"
Richie and his parents escape to the face/s of Mount Richmore, pursued by Van Dough & fired upon by Ferguson, now looking distinctly the worse for wear but having taken control of the sculptor's laser.
There's a neat reference to this earlier in the film, as Van Dough is seen watching North by NorthWest, which has as its climax a scene on Mount Rushmore.

In one of the film's strangest moments Ferguson blasts the nose off the giant sculpture of Regina's face, to which the real Regina sobs that it now looks "like Michael Jackson". Macauley Culkin was, infamously, a friend of Jackson's, godfather to his daughter Paris, and one of his staunchest defenders. I'm not sure if he would've approved of this line & it does make me wonder if it was added during post-production.

On the ground Cadbury finally catches up with Ferguson and lays him out, taking control of the laser to fire upon down Van Dough, who was positioning himself to shoot his gun. Van Dough finds himself hanging upside down in front of the family. Richard breaks the habits of a lifetime to tell him "You're fired!" and Regina punches him the face.

We then cut to a Little League baseball match, being played in the mansion's grounds. Richie hits a home run and is mobbed by his teammates, including his friends from United Tools, when Gloria tells him "You're alright". High praise indeed.
We learn that Cadbury & Diane are now in a relationship, as we see them kiss while watching the game, and that Regina is pregnant with a daughter.
We also see that Van Dough & Ferguson are working in the gardens, under the watchful eye of a corrections guard. I'm not sure why the pair that tried to murder the entire family & steal their fortune are permitted to then re-visit the family home as a punishment. I couldn't help think that a better ending would've been for the Rich family to speed past them in a limo as they worked cleaning up a stretch of a freeway.

And that's the end, the vault closes, the credits roll, and Macauley Culkin, then the world's biggest (and, appropriately, richest) child star, goes on hiatus for nine years.

As mentioned earlier, Richie Rich is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. My own son is probably a little older than the target audience, but he enjoyed the gadgets, the visual gags about money, and I have to say, it's actually quite pleasant to see a film in which a billionaire is a decent human-being, with some uncharacteristically Socialist principles, i.e. wanting to build up a struggling company then hand it back to the workers, unlikely though that it may be in real life.

Culkin himself is relatively likeable in the role, but gives an incredibly wooden performance. Knowing that he stopped filming soon after completing this film, it does make me wonder if something went on to cause him to quit, and that perhaps he was contracted to do this one last film before he did. At many times in the film he just seems to be going through the motions, his acting is one-dimensional & he doesn't seem to be enjoying himself. Perhaps it's the perfect role for him in many respects, as Richie's lonely existence maybe had similarities to his own?

However, if you've kids to entertain then you could go worse than sticking on this film on a wet afternoon. It's no classic, but certainly not Culkin's worse - probably not a quote they'd want to use for the poster.

Fin

Bad Boys

Arguably the biggest hit of my time working as a projectionist in 1995 was Bad Boys; the debut of a music video director; starring, in the three lead roles - as two mismatched Miami cops & the witness they're protecting - a comedian with only a handful of TV credits to his name, a singer whose prior acting experience was pretty much playing himself in a long-running sitcom, and a relative newcomer with only a few supporting roles & TV credits to her name, who'd also starred in her own sitcom, albeit with significantly less success & longevity than her co-star.

The video director was Michael Bay, and the film's stars: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith & Téa Leoni. All of whom would go on to do very well for themselves after this.
Watching this again, it's remarkable to think that, aside from 1993's Six Degrees of Separation, this was Will Smith's breakout role after The Fresh Prince of Bel Air; it just seems like he's been around for a lot longer.

The films opens with shots of Miami, all tinged in orange for some reason (see the poster above for an example, or any episode of CSI: Miami, for that matter, also perpetually tinged in orange).
We see a Porsche 911 (Michael Bay's own car, trivia fans) speeding along conveniently empty roads, while another car follows.

Inside the car we meet Marcus Burnett (Lawrence) and Mike Lowrey (Smith), bickering at each other, and not for the last time. Burnett has a burger & fries, and Lowrey, whose Porsche this is, is none too impressed at the prospect of having food spilled on his upholstery.
Burnett drops a handful of fries by the handbrake, causing Lowrey to pull over for yet more bickering about the lack of cup-holders etc. in such an expensive car.
This all serves to give us an introduction into the relative personas of our two heroes: one the flashy single man, the other the slobby family man.

Meanwhile the car behind pulls over too, and a leggy girl is pushed out with instructions to walk around the Porsche.
Having seen a few of Michael Bay's films in my time I've come to realise that he has a signature shot, which he even includes in films that are ostensibly aimed at kids, like his Transformers movies: the camera tracks a girl, usually wearing a mini-skirt, always with long legs, at just above ground level, for much, much longer than is absolutely necessary.

As Lowrey is distracted by the girl, and Burnett remains distracted trying to retrieve his fries, two carjackers appear at the Porsche's windows with guns.
Here's the first of a few scenes in which Burnett & Lowrey use their continual bickering to do some distraction themselves, and to show to the audience what a well-drilled partnership they are.
As they step out of the car they continue their argument long enough to pull out their own weapons, announce that they're cops & overpower their significantly larger assailants.

Cue the credits.

There are more shots of an orange-hued Miami, I guess it's meant to look moody or atmospheric, but only succeeds in making the city look like Sydney during bushfire season.

We cut to a truck driving through the city streets at night, inside are a gang of villainous types, one of whom is dressed in a police uniform and who announces that his role is that of the decoy.
The lead villain, who we'll come to learn much later in the film, is a Frenchman named Fouchet, shoots him, causing him to fall out of the back of the truck into the street.
Fouchet then places a call to 911 about a cop being shot, causing a city-wide manhunt by all police resources.
Fouchet & his gang arrive at a near-empty Police HQ and break in. We see lots of shots of the team scurrying down tunnels, knocking out CCTV cameras, drugging the one elderly cop remaining, until they get to their target: a massive haul of foil-wrapped bricks of heroin.
Using an elaborate & fast paced trolley device in the ventilation system they load all of the heroin and drop it into the waiting truck outside, before making their own escape via the same method. Meanwhile, the truck driver grabs a brick for himself and stashes it in his bag. You know that this won't end well for him...

The next morning Burnett is at home with his wife, Theresa, and three young children, when Lowrey arrives to collect him for work. A call comes in for them to get to the precinct. Isn't that where they were going anyway?

As the duo walk into the precinct we meet the flustered secretary, Marilyn Monroe-a-like Francine, who has an unrequited Moneypenny-style crush on Lowrey; and the foul-mouthed, perma-angry Captain Howard (Joe Pantoliano, from pretty much every TV show & film you've ever seen. The omnipresent Pantoliano was in another film that came out during my few months as a projectionist: Congo)

Howard explains to Burnett & Lowrey that the haul of heroin, the "career-making" heist they had been responsible for, has been stolen from the precinct and they have no leads as everyone was out chasing the rogue cop-killer.

Alison Sinclair from Internal Affairs arrives (Marg Helgenberger, 8 years before she would star as Catherine Willows in the long-running TV show CSI), it's clear she & Howard have history and she antagonises him further by stating the robbery has to have been an inside job.

We're introduced to two other detectives, the Hispanic duo Sanchez & Ruiz, who have a similar argumentative relationship with one another as Burnett & Lowrey, and also serve to antagonise the two leads further still as the four engage in some offensive bantering that borders on racism:

Burnett : [to Sanchez and Ruiz]  Where were y'all last night?

Lowrey : Yeah, why don't you just tell your cousins to bring the shit back?

Sanchez : Yeah we tried to, but you know what? We came up with a problem; your mama snorted it up!

Why is everyone in this film so argumentative?

Howard explains (shouts) that they have roughly 72 hours to find who did the heist before they're accused of involvement and the department is shut down. There doesn't seem to be any justification in announcing this deadline, other than a throwaway "you know how it is" comment from Howard.

Sanchez & Ruiz are tasked with finding out who installed the precinct's ventilation system, while Burnett & Lowrey go to speak to a few contacts. First up is Jojo, a reformed former drug dealer/cook now running a tyre dealership, played by a young Michael Imperioli. Next is a visit to a boxing gym where Lowrey speaks to his ex-girlfriend, and escort, Maxine. Lowrey asks "Max" to keep an eye out for any newly-rich, drug-dealing types, which she agrees to do. Meanwhile Burnett plays around with gym equipment, revealing himself to be out-of-shape & incapable of lifting weights.

So, with that onerous task done, having spoken to just one ex-drug dealer & one of Lowrey's ex-girlfriends, our pair get the call to make their way to the home of the ventilation system installer instead.
Remember, this was meant to be Sanchez and Ruiz's job, it appears that their role stops at getting an address.

The pair arrive at a giant mansion, in what I suppose to be one of the more expensive areas of Miami, to find the door open, so enter, with their guns out. Inside they find the decomposing, long-dead body of the ventilation system installer, lying across a desk.
Burnett wants to call in the homicide department, but Lowrey starts to look through the various files on the desk, and through the pockets of the corpse. It's interesting to note that a seasoned police officer sees fit to do this without first donning a pair of gloves, and with no thought of how his actions may interfere with a crime scene. Marg Helgenberger would be appalled.

Lowrey discovers that the ventilation installer had gambling debts and had received a massive payment recently, which it's presumed was a pay-off for the plans to the system his company installed at the precinct. It's also then deduced that he couldn't be trusted to keep quiet so was killed.

Having tampered with a crime scene, and presumably implicated themselves in a murder, Burnett & Lowrey return to the precinct. On the way they discuss Burnett's slow driving (this is relevant for later), his car (a Volvo, also relevant for later), how the two have known each other for years, and how Lowrey has inherited family money (so we know that his riches haven't come from nefarious means - he's wealthy, but an honest & hard-working cop).
We also get a brief burst of the two of them singing the song that lends its name to the film's title: Inner Circle's Bad Boys. In a nice twist Will Smith sings it badly; this is not a film, like so many of his later ones, in which Smith appears on the soundtrack, like a more credible Dennis Waterman.

We cut to a Madam, Lois, running an escort agency from her bedroom, taking calls from clients while Max, Lowrey's ex from the gym, lounges on the bed. Max asks if there have been any newly-rich clients on the scene, and of course, there is.
Lois explains that someone has been wanting to procure two girls, and asks if Max would be interested. She could even take her flatmate Julie whom she knows needs money. Max explains that Julie "isn't a working girl", but is convinced when Lois tells her it would be $2K for one night's work, and besides "he's so off his face he probably can't get it up".
Anyone else hearing alarm bells here? You'd be right to.

Max & Julie (the aforementioned Téa Leoni) walk to the client's hotel, discussing Julie's situation as an out-of-work photographer, and how they're doing this as a favour for Mike, the cop that Max "is secretly in love with, and who might secretly be in love with [Max]".
It's not made clear why Max doesn't call this in to Lowrey, but decides to embroil herself and her best friend in what could be a perilous situation instead.

They enter the client's hotel suite, and it's Eddie, the driver from the heist, who has made a start ingesting the brick of heroin he snaffled from the van earlier.
Seeing the state of him Julie makes her excuses and leaves to go to the bathroom. While she's away Fouchet and the rest of the gang enter the suite, Fouchet spots the brick & is angry. Julie watches from a mezzanine as Fouchet shoots Max in the back, in all-too-explicit slo-mo, and knee-caps Eddie.
Eddie pleads for his life, explaining that it was him who got Fouchet "connected" on the inside, but to no avail as he's shot multiple times by the gang.

Julie is spotted by the gang and runs, making her escape across the rooftop & jumping into the hotel pool many stories below. A nice homage to Lana Woods similar stunt in one of my favourite films, Diamonds Are Forever.
Fouchet tells his men to find out who she is, and who she works for.

Later, Burnett & Lowrey arrive at the hotel to investigate, alongside a host of other cops. They recognise Eddie, he's an ex-cop, fired for being on the take, and they see that the remains of the heroin brick are still on the table. You'd think a gang of hardened criminals, looking to tidy up every loose end, would've cleaned that up; but no.
There's some neat detective work as someone spots two shades of lipstick on separate glasses. There was another girl here, and judging by the bullet holes around the walls the crooks had spotted her as she made her getaway.
Lowrey then sees that the other dead body in the room is Max, causing him to get angry & upset, and to race off to Lois's house, guessing, rightly as it turns out, that she could be danger. As we cut to a shot of Lois in her house we see her power get cut off...

Burnett is at the precinct with Captain "Shouty" Howard, as the pair of them try to work out who Eddie went to work for after he was fired from the police. Meanwhile Lowrey, again disregarding proper police protocol, arrives as Lois's house alone, to find it in darkness, with blood on the floor. He calls it in, following protocol at last, but as he does so he's thrown through a window by Fouchet's gang. In slo-mo, of course, this is a Michael Bay film, after all.

Back at the precinct Howard answers a call on Lowrey's phone, it's Julie, but she'll only speak to Lowrey. Burnett is convinced by Howard to take the call in Lowrey's absence, posing as Lowrey - "Mike Lowwwwrey" - and arranges to meet her at her & Max's apartment. And so begins the farcical escapade where the two have to pretend to be each other.

When Burnett arrives Julie first attacks him with a baseball bat, unconvinced that he is Lowrey, as, despite never meeting him, she's heard a lot about him from Max and this short, badly-dressed guy doesn't fit the mental picture she has of the smooth ladies man.
To be honest, there are a lot of comments about how different the two leads dress in this film, but I struggled to see much of a difference in their respective styles. Maybe that was the point.

As Julie & Burnett-as-Lowrey quarrel Fouchet's men arrive & open fire, having obviously got the address from Lois prior to killing her. Burnett returns fire, killing one of the gang, and they, together with Julie's two dogs, manage to make a getaway in his car. Cue more banter as Julie suggests that the aforementioned Volvo, with a baby-seat, is not what she imagined Lowrey to drive. He explains it by saying he's been working undercover as a family man.

Julie tells Burnett-as-Lowrey that she refuses to go into protective custody, as she doesn't trust the police after meeting Eddie - incidentally, I don't recall anyone mentioning Eddie was a cop whilst she was there.
Julie says she'll only stay at Lowrey's apartment as Max trusted him. Remember, this is the same Max that got killed doing a favour for Lowrey.

Burnett takes Julie to Lowrey's apartment, and has to first bribe Chet, the doorman, into letting him in. Chet is another of the film's comic turns, a wannabe cop who failed the test, but is astute enough to deliver the line "Who's the chick? How's your wife?" upon seeing Burnett arrive with Julie.

Once in the apartment Burnett-as-Lowrey falls over a lot, and can't find basic stuff like light switches, leading Julie to again suspect that all is not as it seems.
Burnett-as-Lowrey leaves Julie alone in the apartment, and heads home, to a grilling from Theresa.

The next day, back at the precinct, a dazed & concussed Lowrey is briefed on the situation and the pair are told to maintain the ruse until they get who the people responsible. So far, all that Burnett has gleaned from Julie is that they're "making the drop in 4 days".

Burnett, with Lowrey, goes home, so he can tell Theresa that he is going to Cleveland on a case, and that Lowrey will be moving in while he is away. There's a vague explanation of him staying there for the safety of Burnett's family, but it's not immediately obvious why a man of independent wealth & means feels the need to stay at his friend's house while his is indisposed.

We next see Fouchet & his gang on a ship in the docks, it's here that they're adding a cutting agent to the drug to make it go further, or something. The chemist, a bespectacled student-type, with an overly laid back assistant, tells Fouchet that they need more cutting agent as it doesn't work as well in the damp conditions. Clearly a ship in docked in one of the most humid cities in the USA is the worst place for them to be.

Later that night Julie & Burnett-as-Lowrey are in Lowrey's apartment again. She asks who the man in all the photos is, as every photograph in the place is of Lowrey. Burnett says it's his partner, and having multiple photos of your partner is "a cop thing". This leads Julie to say that she thought he might be gay. And as day follows night, this inevitably leads to Burnett-as-Lowrey denying he's homosexual in the most emphatic terms.
The pair of them then go through some mug shots, and Julie recognises one of Fouchet's gang. It transpires he works in a nightclub, Club Hell, providing the detectives with their first lead.


The next day at the precinct Burnett & Lowrey are bickering about their respective situations, namely having to live each other's life, when Lowrey takes a call from Theresa. The pair flirt on the phone, much to Burnett's annoyance.

Lowrey & Francine, the precinct's nervy secretary from earlier, are attempting to read Eddie's file, but aren't able to as access is denied.

Burnett & Lowrey then return to Lowrey's apartment, still in character as each other, to collect a load of weapons and to inform Julie that they're going to Club Hell to arrest Fouchet's henchman. again, they duo discard with regular police protocol & make plans to go to the club on their own, no back-up, no uniforms, no warrant...

More farce ensues as Lowrey observes that Julie's dogs have crapped everywhere, including on his new rug. Then, another woman lets herself in & begins undressing. Burnett-as-Lowrey evicts her, much to her annoyance as she doesn't have any idea who he is (more suspicious glances from Julie) and causing Lowrey himself to get angry as he was onto a sure thing.

We cut to outside Club Hell, judging by the looks of the clientele it's the kind of club where only supermodels and Olympic athletes are allowed in, and, even then, only if they're partially clothed.
Waiting outside the club is a simpleton in a truck, and his boss, berating him for smoking, which allows him to explain that the truck is carrying highly flammable ether. This is the additional cutting agent that Fouchet's chemists wanted.

Back at Lowrey's apartment, Julie takes one of Lowrey's guns & points it at the computer screen, which Burnett has conveniently left switched on showing the henchman's mugshot, including details of his whereabouts, and bizarrely, also the details of a $18,000 reward for his arrest and a warning that he's armed & dangerous.
Even more bizarrely, in the next scene, Burnett & Lowrey discuss how the henchmen is on parole and working in the nightclub. Which is it, is he on parole or a wanted man?

Burnett & Lowrey enter the club, and we now get Michael Bay at his video-directing best. As Nine Inch Nails blast over the soundtrack, we see countless beautiful people dancing in slo-mo.

Lowrey positions himself at the bar, ostensibly to ogle a woman lounging, literally, on the bar, whose foot is all we see. Burnett, meanwhile, goes to the toilet. On the way there, and unbeknownst to him, he's spotted by Fouchet & his henchmen from an upstairs office overlooking the dancefloor, and recognised as the man who was in Julie & Max's apartment. Two thugs are dispatched to take him out while he's having a leak. One puts a plastic bag on his head, while the other punches him. Burnett proves himself more than capable in a fight though. This is the same man who floundered in a gym earlier, unable to lift any weights.

While Burnett is fighting off the two henchmen he desperately tries to get the attention of Lowrey, through the giant fishtank that doubles as the toilet wall, enabling club patrons & toilet-goers to watch each others activities. Lowrey, meanwhile, is still busying himself with a drink & the disembodied foot.
Burnett knocks out the two thugs, but in the melee the fishtank is destroyed, scattering water & fish everywhere.
It's worth mentioning here that, for an action film, Will Smith/Lowrey hasn't yet involved himself in any action. So far, Burnett & Julie have featured in more. Speaking of which...

Julie now enters the club, with Lowrey's handgun drawn & aims it at Fouchet & his henchmen, who watch as she does, from their office window. It's amazing how they're able to pick people out so easily in a packed nightclub.
Burnett & Lowrey spot Julie too, and race to stop her from shooting. She does get a shot off though, causing panic in the club.
Spotting that Fouchet's men are giving chase, the trio make their escape & Burnett commandeers the nearest available vehicle outside: the ether truck. I guess Lowrey's Porsche was parked just too far away.
Fouchet & his men have no such difficulty locating more suitable vehicles and chase the van, shooting as they go, and, in turn, being shot at by Lowrey.

Burnett is the first to notice the smell of the ether, so, during the chase, Lowrey & Julie throw the barrels out at the chasing cars, causing explosions and killing many of Fouchet's men, including their one lead, the henchman that Julie recognised from the mugshots.
With their lead gone, and Julie angry that Burnett-as-Lowrey seems unconcerned about avenging Max's death, the trio argue on a road bridge while a news helicopter films them from above.

The three then go to a convenience store, where their presence & their clearly visible weapons unnerves the store owner. Burnett & Lowrey discuss the ether & its use as a cutting agent in heroin. They agree that they need to speak again to Jojo, the reformed drug dealer/cook turned tyre fitter, and the only person the pair of them seem to know in Miami.
Meanwhile the store owner has convinced himself that he's about to be robbed, so pulls out his own gun & yells out "Freeze mutha-bitches!". Burnett & Lowrey do their bickering/diversion trick again, and confuse the store owner just enough to allow them to pull out their own weapons on him, and deliver the following infamous lines, which were apparently ad-libbed by Smith & Lawrence:

Mike Lowrey: Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.
Marcus Burnett: And some Skittles.

Time goes a little haywire here. Presumably the events at the club happened late at night, as the club was packed, then there was the car chase, which surely had repercussions & a cleanup operation, then the three must have to go back to the club's locale to collect Lowrey's Porsche, and then they have the stand-off at the convenience store.
It must be about 4 or 5am by now, but we still have time for more incident this evening.

Burnett-as-Lowrey & Julie are back in Lowrey's apartment. Julie is clearly working out what's going on, she's visibly flirting with an uncomfortable Burnett, and winding him up by suggesting that "Burnett's wife" is a lucky lady, spending every evening with a man like Lowrey-as-Burnett.
Wracked with jealousy Burnett calls home, to overhear Theresa and Lowrey giggling while they look through old photos. Again, it must be about 4am at least, and all four are up chatting to one another.
As Lowrey takes out a photo, and Theresa implores him to "put it back in", Burnett misunderstands, and, enraged, grabs Julie and drives to his house.

Back at Burnett's house Lowrey has spotted a car parked outside & places a call to Sanchez & Ruiz, who are on watch outside the house. Inside the car are two more of Fouchet's men (how many does he have?!), who observe Burnett arriving.
Burnett handcuffs Julie to the steering wheel (I'm not sure why, she came to them after all, and isn't a suspect), and sneaks up to the house to see what's going on. Yet more farce ensues as Lowrey mistakes him for one of the bad guys from the car & attacks him.
Again, Lowrey must be one of the most inept police officers in Miami. Rather than do the whole "Freeze! Armed police!" thing, he just launches himself at Burnett, with no idea of who he is, whether he's alone or with others, or if he's armed or not.
Burnett, believing that Lowrey has been sleeping with Theresa, fights back. In their car the two thugs watch the fight, joking about how they don't need to kill them if they're going to kill each other first. They're still laughing when Sanchez & Ruiz turn up and arrest them.

On the lawn, after their fight, Lowrey explains that he wouldn't do anything with Theresa, and the pair reconcile. There's some talk of how they've been friends all their lives too, since well before they both joined the police.

The next day at the precinct (actually probably only about 30 or 40 minutes after the longest night ever) Sinclair from IA is again arguing with Howard, and asking why records show that calls were made from there to Club Hell. Howard is now convinced they have a mole. But who?

Meanwhile Sanchez & Ruiz are doing some actual police work, interviewing the two thugs they arrested outside Burnett's house. They know little, apparently this was their first job, "Oh, so does that make you union?" asks Sanchez.
However the two do get a name: Fouchet. This is the first time the gang leader's name has been mentioned.

As per their earlier conversation Burnett & Lowrey go to visit Jojo the tyre fitter. Burnett again dispenses with the police handbook & pulls a gun on Jojo, threatening to kill him if he doesn't tell all that he knows about chemists who would cut heroin with ether.
This is another of the two's tactics, but Jojo isn't to know that. Burnett leaves, making a show of being appalled and scared by Lowrey's temper & imploring Jojo to talk.

Jojo recalls the name of the chemist, and so the cops, with Julie (for some reason) keep watch outside his house, with Julie again handcuffed to the steering wheel. As the chemist leaves they follow him to the ship in the docks.
While the three of them watch the ship, from perhaps the most obvious viewing position they could find, they begin bickering again, with Julie again making suggestions that the two of them might be a couple. Meanwhile Fouchet is watching them from the ship's deck; in all honestly, he probably heard them squabbling too.

At Burnett's house one of his kids is watching the news, and sees the footage of his father on the bridge after the car chase of the previous evening. With Theresa now aware that Burnett is not in Cleveland she decides to go to the one place she'll suspects that he'll be, Lowrey's apartment, to confront him.

Back at Lowrey's apartment Julie finds a key to the handcuffs, and takes it, thinking, rightly, that she may need it if she's going to be handcuffed to a steering wheel again.
Burnett & Lowrey are busily bickering again, as Lowrey gets changed, when Theresa shows up. Julie lets her in, much to Theresa's annoyance: "I'm here to kill my husband Marcus"
"The short one or the tall one?"
"The short one" she replies
"Thought so", and so Julie finally gets the confirmation she's wanted that the two of them have switched places

Julie walks out as Theresa confronts Burnett, with a partially dressed Lowrey close behind him. Lowrey spots that Julie has left & races to stop her, while Burnett attempts to explain what's going on to Theresa.
Theresa storms off too, with Burnett continuing to explain as she does.
All four of them converge on the apartment lobby as Fouchet & his men arrive. There is an almighty shoot-out (again, in slo-mo) as Fouchet grabs Julie and makes a getaway. He, Julie & his men jump into a car and drive away, chased by Lowrey on foot.
Theresa, instantly realising that her husband has been on police business, not engaged in some kind of debauched threesome with his best friend & the strange woman in Lowrey's apartment, tells Burnett she loves him & makes him go after the bad guys.

Now we get one of those chase scenes where the belligerents race through different locations for comic effect, I remember the Dirty Harry films of the 70s doing this regularly. With Lowrey shooting at will on the streets Fouchet's driver crashes their car. They then continue to get away on foot: through a bikini photoshoot, through a hairdressing salon, out into the street, and steal a taxi.
Meanwhile, Burnett, with that second sense that cops in movies so often have, arrives from a different direction, just in time to jump onto the taxi's roof as it speeds away.

Fouchet's driver deliberately crashes the taxi, sending Burnett sprawling onto the street in front of them. As they rev up to finish him off Lowrey comes from the side to sweep him off the road.

Fouchet and his men get away, with Julie; and Michael Bay gets his image of his two stars for the trailer: the pair of them on the street, shirts nearly off, in baggy 90s jeans, panting & sweating.

Here's where it all gets a bit confusing: Fouchet had no need or intention to kidnap Julie, all along he's been wanting to kill her, so why grab her in the lobby? Why even go to Lowrey's apartment at all? He'd have been better off keeping a low profile & quietly going about his business.
Anyhow, now that he has Julie he decides to use her as insurance, so places a call to the precinct, where everyone has assembled, telling them to keep away from him or he'll kill her.
To show he means business he tells them that he killed his chemist. OK... I'm not sure why he called in the first place, and why bother boasting about killing the chemist?

Sinclair is at the precinct too, telling Howard that she's shutting them down & re-assigning them all. While this is going on Burnett is with a computer hacker (former basketballer John Salley) accessing Eddie's file. The hacker can't understand what the issue is, as he's able to access the file without having to resort to any nefarious means: in it they see that Eddie had a girlfriend: Francine, the secretary. The team have found their mole.

Francine tearfully admits that it was her giving the information to Fouchet, but only because he & Eddie had taken explicit photos of her & threatened to post them on her children's school noticeboard.

Now that they know more about Fouchet & his operation Burnett puts in a call to one of his henchmen to triangulate his phone, and discover they're heading to a local airfield. Enrolling Sanchez & Ruiz as backup they go to the airfield too, as Howard calls in some favours & arranges SWAT teams, helicopters etc.

Fouchet is at the airfield, in a hangar, meeting up with a stereotype of a South American drug baron; Julie is once again handcuffed to the steering wheel of a car nearby. Fouchet and the drug baron discuss their deal, which will net Fouchet $90m, and watch as a car, an AC Cobra, is loaded onto the drug baron's plane with the huge quantity of drugs.
Suddenly a garbage truck bursts through the walls of the hangar. Suspecting a trap Fouchet kills the drug baron & a gunfight with the "garbagemen" ensues; it's Burnett, Lowrey, Sanchez & Ruiz. For no apparent reason Sanchez & Ruiz have decided to dress the part in overalls too.
In the confusion Julie uses the key she stole earlier to escape her handcuffs and sends the car she's in into a pile of ether barrels, causing them to explode.

There's a lot of gunfire, and we see what's left of Fouchet's seemingly limitless supply of men get killed; as Fouchet makes a getaway in the Cobra, pursued by Burnett (with Julie & Lowrey) in the Porsche, the hangar, and plane, explode.
This explosion was apparently at the insistence of Bay, who was so keen on the idea that he paid for it himself.

There's a brief Porsche v Cobra car chase along a runway, in which Burnett, urged on by Lowrey, surprised that his slow-driving friend can handle a car at speed, pushes Fouchet's car into a crash barrier at high speed. Fouchet is alive, but barely, and starts to stagger away as the Porsche comes to a halt & the three get out. Again, eschewing the traditional "Freeze!" stuff, Lowrey shoots him in the leg as he runs.
The three walk towards the villain as he lies prone on the ground. Lowrey makes to shoot him, wanting revenge for Max's death, but Burnett persuades him otherwise, giving it the "He's not worth it..." shtick.
As Lowrey lowers his gun Fouchet pulls out a pistol, Lowrey sees a glint of light from the barrel & shoots.

With Fouchet dead, and paramedics treating our heroes, Burnett once again handcuffs Julie, this time to Lowrey, and limps away, in the gunfight he took a bullet to his leg. There's further banter as Burnett tells them he's off home to his wife, and the implication that Julie & Lowrey should get together.
Unfortunately for Téa Leoni, this was to be her only appearance in the Bad Boys films; a shame, as her character Julie added a decent dynamic, and, I thought, lifted this film above most buddy-cop movies.
It might have been an idea for the character to return in the sequels, perhaps in a capacity as a CSI (she's an out-of-work photographer, remember?).

Watching the film again, and this was one of the few that I watched all the way through at the time, it strikes me that it's a really long slog, and summarising it here was hard work. It does not stop for breath at all. We cut from one scene to the next at an unrelenting pace, but strangely, compared to a film from, say, the Fast & Furious franchise, there's very little actual action.

There's also not much in the way of character building. Any backstory the characters may have is delivered in throwaway lines: we know Burnett & Lowrey have known each other since childhood, we know Lowrey has inherited wealth but always wanted to be a cop, we know Burnett married his childhood sweetheart and is a family man, we know that Julie is an out-of-work photographer, but that's pretty much it.
Sanchez & Ruiz are clearly the better cops, and it would've been interesting to see more of them & learned more of their characters, but we get so little of them.
We see that there's history between Howard & Sinclair, but nothing is made of that.
We know Lowrey is a ladies man because he has a history with Max, there's also the uninvited woman undressing in his apartment, and he'd rather ogle a woman in a club than assist his friend when he's being attacked, but there's precious little evidence of his reputation other than his word.

All in all, an entertaining action film (but, as mentioned before, Will Smith rarely gets involved in the action), but it's not without its flaws; and, not surprisingly, it does have the look of a music video director's first foray into cinema.

Something that did come to mind while I re-watched it: the multiplex where I worked had a couple of security staff, two lads from a local security firm that worked weekends & evenings, usually keeping an eye on the car park, and hovering around whenever anyone got loud or abusive to the other patrons or staff.
Often though, in their absence or when they had other incidents to deal with, I would be called upon, as one of the taller members of staff, to leave the projection booth to assist management in throwing out objectionable patrons. For some reason, this film seemed to attract more than its fair share of those, and I spent a fair few evenings loitering behind one of the managers as they attempted to placate or eject a few more-than-boisterous clientele.
I've no idea why this film, more than others, seemed to rile up audience members so much. Some might point to the excessive, glamourised violence on screen, or the constant wise-cracking, swearing, & banter, but Bad Boys seemed no worse in that regards than many other films before or since, and was not in the same league as one of the other few box office successes that summer (and topic of a future blog): Pulp Fiction.

FIN