Richie Rich

When I reviewed the quite appalling Angels in the Outfield I made a mention of there being a number of films screened during my time as a projectionist that I wouldn't enjoy re-watching, and looking through the list I've compiled it seems that they're mostly kids films.
And so, when my son spotted Macaulay Culkin's last film as a child star, Richie Rich (or Ri¢hie Ri¢h, to give it its official name) on Netflix, and asked that we watch it, recognising it as one of the films on the list, it was with a heavy heart that I agreed.
In all honesty though, it's not nearly as bad as I remember it. Admittedly, as with most of the films screened during my time as a projectionist, I only saw snippets when I attended to focusing duties in the projection booth, but I recall not loitering around to watch any more than was absolutely necessary.

Based on a long-running comic, that I don't recall ever seeing in the UK, the film begins with the opening of a bank vault (and closes with the closing of a bank vault, for those that hang around long enough to see it), to drive home the point that he's Rich by name, and rich by birth. We then have a brief introduction of the character, via voiceover, supplied by the Rich family's butler, Cadbury, played by Hollywood's perpetual stiff-upper lipped Brit, Jonathan Hyde (whom I've just discovered is not an Englishman, but an Australian).
Cadbury explains, over shots of Richie's birth, early childhood etc. that Richie was born the wealthiest baby in the world. His toys are all gold, he lives in a stately home, has anything & everything he could possibly hope for.
So far, so Trump.
However, Richie's parents dote on him & each other, so our hero is unlikely to grow up into a narcissistic pastiche of a Bond villain with sociopathic disorders.

Richie's dad, Richard, played by Edward Herrmann, in much the same role as he would later fill as the family patriarch in the long-running TV show The Gilmore Girls, is a loving father & a philanthropist, who spends as much time as he can with his son. It's here that we briefly see Macaulay's brother Rory Culkin in the role, playing the younger Richie.
Richard & Richie are fond of playing baseball together, but Richard's business often takes him away, and so, when we finally meet the elder Culkin brother in the role, he's playing baseball with a group of professional players, whom I suppose we're meant to recognise (imdb tells me that the coach is Reggie Jackson, a baseball Hall of Famer).
As with Angels in the Outfield, there are a number of baseball references in this film that I, and I guess many others in a UK audience at the time, would fail to appreciate. However, even I know that runs are scored in baseball, something that the family's English butler failed to grasp, even though I'd assume he'd have some experience of cricket.

With his father otherwise engaged Richie is sent, by helicopter, to be the family's representative at the re-opening of a factory, United Tools, in what is implied to be a working-class part of the city. Cadbury, whom we're beginning to learn is a more visible presence in Richie's life than his parents, attends too, and catches the eye of the factory's union rep, Diane.
Richie gives his speech, which goes down well, as it would, his father has just bought the factory & kept it open, running it at a loss too, meaning the workers keep their jobs while the company attempts to revive its fortunes. Rich Sr is that kind of guy, why can't more billionaires be like this? Or like Bruce Wayne?
Before Richie & his entourage leave he spots a group of kids playing baseball nearby and walks over to join them. In case it hasn't been driven home by Cadbury's exposition already, Richie has everything he could want, but friends.
Richie's security detail, Ferguson, grabs him to prevent him from getting too near to the kids, much to Cadbury's disapproval.
We see here the first of a few McDonald's product placements, as one of the baseball-playing group munches on a packet of fries as they discuss how Richie may have everything, but seems lonely.

Back home and Richie's mother Regina (played by stage actress Christine Ebersole) is overseeing the construction of Mount Richmore, a huge Rushmore-like sculpture of the family being carved into a nearby mountain by an artist with a giant laser. Richie asks Regina if he can have some friends visit, which she takes to mean having to organise a dinner party, while Richie just wants to "hang".
Richie is then taken for his science lesson with Rich Corporation's chief scientist Professor Keenbean. In a strange piece of casting Keenbean is played by American actor Michael McShane, a relative unknown in the US, but well known to UK audiences, especially at that time, as he was a familiar face on UK TV, and a regular contestant on the improv TV show Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Now, you know how, in the Bond movies, whenever Bond visits Q, pretty much everything he's shown comes in useful at some later stage of the film? So it is here.
Keenbean shows Richie his new creations: a Sub-Atomic Molecular Re-Organizer that changes trash to useful products, a powerful glue named Cementia, a spray that makes clothes bulletproof, and a tiny robotic bee. Later Keenbean will introduce the Smell Master 9000, a device for enhancing & recognising scents.
Remember these, they'll all become relevant later.

Later that night one of the Rich Corporation executives arrives at the family home for dinner: Van Dough (John Larroquette). It's clear that he's an unpleasant character, as he sacks his driver for parking the car near a puddle and mutters conspiratorially with Ferguson, the heavy-handed security man from earlier.
Over dinner Van Dough asks Richie's parents why they make so many substantial donations to charity, which angers Regina. Richard also explains his plan for United Tools, to improve the company, then hand it back to the workers for them to own & run. Van Dough is horrified, but his mood improves, and eyes light up, when Richard mentions his vault, containing the family's most prized treasures.

The next morning Richie is woken and informed by Cadbury that it's time for his exercise class, which Richie is reluctant to do. That is, until he learns that his usual trainer, "Arnold" is not available, and has been replaced by Claudia Schiffer. As she walks in Macaulay Culkin breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera with a smirk that veers towards a leer. There then follows the film's most bizarre scene, as Claudia leads Richie & Cadbury in an aerobics class, while the pair ogle her from behind and exchange sideways glances as she bends over. I'm sure Richie's behaviour is exactly what one would expect from a 14 year old (Culkin's age at the time), but there's something not quite right seeing him & Hyde (then in his mid 40s) conspiring to ogle a girl in her early 20s.

After aerobics Richie powers up another Keenbean's devices, the DadLink, a huge computer that locates and provides access to Richard whenever he's not home. The DadLink reports that Richard is at the White House, where we see him advising the President on economic policy (as if! Oh, wait...).
Richie and his father have a brief video call. The point of this scene is to introduce the DadLink. As with Keenbean's other inventions, this will be relevant later.
To be honest, having now watched two kids films from this era, I find this method to be far preferable to the constant exposition that Angels in the Outfield employed.

Richie is taken to school, a huge stately home-style building where every child is dropped off by a Bentley or Rolls-Royce. Richie and his schoolmates are being taught by Ben Stein, the infamous "Bueller...? Bueller...?" teacher. Today's lesson is business, but not a typical lesson:
"Let's move on to case study #12: Your company is in dire straits. Sales are down 50% due to stiff price competition. Dividends are falling. Stockholders are demanding that you step down as chairman of the board. Now, here's your problem: How do you rally the board of directors to your side AND stave off impending bankruptcy?"
Richie's classmates are all very adult-like in their mannerisms & responses, whereas it's made clear that Richie just wants friends of his own age. Richie's attempts during a fencing lesson to invite them to his house to "hang" fail, as all of them have other plans.

Driving home Cadbury informs Richie that he is to go to England with his parents to have tea with the Queen. Richie is upset, as, once again, he just wants to do regular "kid stuff", so tells the driver to take a right towards United Tools. This then begs the question as to why he needed to go there by helicopter earlier, when it's a short diversion from his route to school?

Richie spots the group of kids from earlier, and makes a bet that he can hit a ball pitched by the group's leader, a redheaded girl named Gloria, also the daughter of the Diane, the union official that flirted with Cadbury.
It was my son that pointed out that these kids are wearing the same outfits they had on in their first scene. They're either really poor, or maybe the the two scenes were filmed back-to-back.
Richie wins the bet by hitting the ball so far it smashes a window in the factory. But, I suppose he can get away with that, his dad does own the factory...
The group of kids give Richie their money, which, of course, he doesn't want; he just wants to play with them. They get angry & make him leave, which he does too, upset and with his head down.

The next day the Rich family are readying their plane to fly to England. Richie confesses to his father that he'd rather not go, and Cadbury makes the suggestion that he can stay with him, which his parents agree to.
As the plane is loaded with presents for the Queen, including the SmellMaster 9000 (which Richard suggests will take Her Majesty's mind off her children - a quip still relevant 25 years later), we see Ferguson place another parcel in amongst the gifts before leaving, not realising that Richie isn't on the plane.

Back home and Cadbury announces to Richie that he has arranged for the United Tools kids to visit, accompanied by Gloria's mother Diane. While Cadbury & Diane continue their PG-rated flirting Richie shows the kids his home, with its own McDonald's (product placement again), and they entertain themselves on quad bikes, jet skis, and the Kidapult, a giant catapult used for flinging the group onto a giant inflatable mat.

Back at Rich HQ Van Dough is arranging to move into Richard's office, while over the Atlantic the Rich parents, who are piloting the plane themselves, have found Ferguson's package. Using the SmellMaster they identify it as a bomb, and get it out of the plane, but not fast enough to prevent them crash-landing in the ocean.

Meanwhile, Richie's new friends are leaving, after a great day, when one of them lets slip that they were offered $100 each to play with Richie. Gloria tells him to forget it, as they had a good time, but Richie overhears. However, this isn't the only bad news he gets as he's told his parents have gone missing. Richie races to the DadLink, only for it to report "Dad Not Found"

Ferguson reveals to Van Dough that Richie wasn't on the plane, to which Van Dough is not concerned, "he won't be a problem" he says.

Fortunately Richard & Regina have survived the crash, and are afloat in a life raft, with some supplies, but the DadLink device is broken. Regina knows the bomb was Van Dough's doing, and tells Richard he should have got rid of him years ago. Richard makes the statement that he's never fired anyone. However, with them adrift at sea, they both realise that Richie's life may be in danger.

We're at Rich HQ again, where Van Dough is announcing to the board that they are to close United Tools (he really has it in for this small factory & its staff). When news of this reaches Gloria she calls Richie to inform him, and he immediately goes to the office with Cadbury to have a word with Van Dough. When they arrive Van Dough is having an unpleasant and potentially abusive moment with one of his secretaries, much to the displeasure of the senior secretarial staff.
Richie announces that he & Cadbury are taking over the business, and United Tools are to stay open.

There follows a montage of Richie leading the company from strength to strength, with his new friends in tow. Where van Dough wants to lay off employees, Richie instead makes the board take a pay cut; where Van Dough wants to scrimp on nuts in one of the company's chocolate bars, Richie arranges for more to be put in, and on it goes.
Exasperated by this Van Dough and Ferguson hatch a further plot.

Meanwhile, back in the Atlantic, Richie's parents spot one of their trunks from the plane & find a lady shaver, which Richard realises he could use to fix the DadLink.

Back in the Rich boardroom the police arrive to arrest Cadbury after an anonymous tip-off has led them to discover bomb-making equipment in his quarters; Van Dough announces that he has petitioned to become Richie's guardian. He then fires all the house staff, replacing them with Ferguson's security guards, who go about installing CCTV cameras throughout the house, including Richie's room. Richie is also forbidden to attend board meetings.

Van Dough tells Ferguson of his plot to get into the vault, have Cadbury killed in prison, and for it to be made to look like suicide (a dark turn for a kids' film) while Keenbean listens from the floor below using one of his devices. Keenbean informs Richie of the plot, and hands him some corrosive paste, ideal for melting prison bars.

Richie takes the paste, disguised as toothpaste, to the prison, in a parcel for Cadbury, together with a card, with instructions for its use written in Latin.
We then see Cadbury opening his package of supplies, as a hairy biker type enters the room to kill him. Cadbury wins the ensuing, offscreen fight and, having translated the Latin note, uses the paste to disintegrate the bars & make his escape, to find Richie waiting outside.

Cadbury, now wearing the biker's clothes, and Richie, go to Gloria's house and use her computer to hack into the Dadlink at the mansion. At that precise time Richard gets the DadLink working.

Unfortunately, Ferguson's guards at the house also see this, and cut the connection before Richie can find out his parents' location. They then tell Ferguson & Van Dough, who are busying themselves torturing Keenbean in order to find out the location of the vault. Van Dough now realises he can rescue Richard & Regina, and use them to access the vault, which rather makes his entire plot to kill them & steal their money somewhat pointless.
Out at sea Richie's parents spot a rescue plane.

Later that night Richie, Cadbury, Gloria & the other kids, and, for some reason, Diane, sneak into the mansion's grounds to rescue Keenbean. Having done so Richie & Cadbury then go to the DadLink to finish trying to locate his parents, only to find the pair of them already there, having been "rescued" by Van Dough's goons. They reveal that the vault is in fact Mount Richmore, the entire mountain.
Meanwhile, outside the mansion, Diane & the kids are captured by the guards, they are then imprisoned with Richie & Cadbury in cages on a conveyor belt leading to Keenbean's Sub-Atomic Molecular Re-Organizer. Keenbean, having evaded escape, uses his Cementia & the Robobee to trap the guards, batter the hapless Ferguson, and free the kids. Richie then races to save his parents.

Richard & Regina open the vault, only for Van Dough to be disappointed with what he finds: photos, personal belongings, Richie's baby clothes etc. the things they truly value, more than their wealth - "Aw!".
Furious, Van Dough orders his guards to shoot them both, only for Richie to show up just in time. Van Dough grabs the gun and shoots Richie, except... Richie has doused his clothes in Keenbean's bulletproof spray, so is unharmed. My son, echoing a line from Dumb & Dumber, a film that will feature in a future blog, asked "What if he shot him in the face?"
Richie and his parents escape to the face/s of Mount Richmore, pursued by Van Dough & fired upon by Ferguson, now looking distinctly the worse for wear but having taken control of the sculptor's laser.
There's a neat reference to this earlier in the film, as Van Dough is seen watching North by NorthWest, which has as its climax a scene on Mount Rushmore.

In one of the film's strangest moments Ferguson blasts the nose off the giant sculpture of Regina's face, to which the real Regina sobs that it now looks "like Michael Jackson". Macauley Culkin was, infamously, a friend of Jackson's, godfather to his daughter Paris, and one of his staunchest defenders. I'm not sure if he would've approved of this line & it does make me wonder if it was added during post-production.

On the ground Cadbury finally catches up with Ferguson and lays him out, taking control of the laser to fire upon down Van Dough, who was positioning himself to shoot his gun. Van Dough finds himself hanging upside down in front of the family. Richard breaks the habits of a lifetime to tell him "You're fired!" and Regina punches him the face.

We then cut to a Little League baseball match, being played in the mansion's grounds. Richie hits a home run and is mobbed by his teammates, including his friends from United Tools, when Gloria tells him "You're alright". High praise indeed.
We learn that Cadbury & Diane are now in a relationship, as we see them kiss while watching the game, and that Regina is pregnant with a daughter.
We also see that Van Dough & Ferguson are working in the gardens, under the watchful eye of a corrections guard. I'm not sure why the pair that tried to murder the entire family & steal their fortune are permitted to then re-visit the family home as a punishment. I couldn't help think that a better ending would've been for the Rich family to speed past them in a limo as they worked cleaning up a stretch of a freeway.

And that's the end, the vault closes, the credits roll, and Macauley Culkin, then the world's biggest (and, appropriately, richest) child star, goes on hiatus for nine years.

As mentioned earlier, Richie Rich is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. My own son is probably a little older than the target audience, but he enjoyed the gadgets, the visual gags about money, and I have to say, it's actually quite pleasant to see a film in which a billionaire is a decent human-being, with some uncharacteristically Socialist principles, i.e. wanting to build up a struggling company then hand it back to the workers, unlikely though that it may be in real life.

Culkin himself is relatively likeable in the role, but gives an incredibly wooden performance. Knowing that he stopped filming soon after completing this film, it does make me wonder if something went on to cause him to quit, and that perhaps he was contracted to do this one last film before he did. At many times in the film he just seems to be going through the motions, his acting is one-dimensional & he doesn't seem to be enjoying himself. Perhaps it's the perfect role for him in many respects, as Richie's lonely existence maybe had similarities to his own?

However, if you've kids to entertain then you could go worse than sticking on this film on a wet afternoon. It's no classic, but certainly not Culkin's worse - probably not a quote they'd want to use for the poster.

Fin

Bad Boys

Arguably the biggest hit of my time working as a projectionist in 1995 was Bad Boys; the debut of a music video director; starring, in the three lead roles - as two mismatched Miami cops & the witness they're protecting - a comedian with only a handful of TV credits to his name, a singer whose prior acting experience was pretty much playing himself in a long-running sitcom, and a relative newcomer with only a few supporting roles & TV credits to her name, who'd also starred in her own sitcom, albeit with significantly less success & longevity than her co-star.

The video director was Michael Bay, and the film's stars: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith & Téa Leoni. All of whom would go on to do very well for themselves after this.
Watching this again, it's remarkable to think that, aside from 1993's Six Degrees of Separation, this was Will Smith's breakout role after The Fresh Prince of Bel Air; it just seems like he's been around for a lot longer.

The films opens with shots of Miami, all tinged in orange for some reason (see the poster above for an example, or any episode of CSI: Miami, for that matter, also perpetually tinged in orange).
We see a Porsche 911 (Michael Bay's own car, trivia fans) speeding along conveniently empty roads, while another car follows.

Inside the car we meet Marcus Burnett (Lawrence) and Mike Lowrey (Smith), bickering at each other, and not for the last time. Burnett has a burger & fries, and Lowrey, whose Porsche this is, is none too impressed at the prospect of having food spilled on his upholstery.
Burnett drops a handful of fries by the handbrake, causing Lowrey to pull over for yet more bickering about the lack of cup-holders etc. in such an expensive car.
This all serves to give us an introduction into the relative personas of our two heroes: one the flashy single man, the other the slobby family man.

Meanwhile the car behind pulls over too, and a leggy girl is pushed out with instructions to walk around the Porsche.
Having seen a few of Michael Bay's films in my time I've come to realise that he has a signature shot, which he even includes in films that are ostensibly aimed at kids, like his Transformers movies: the camera tracks a girl, usually wearing a mini-skirt, always with long legs, at just above ground level, for much, much longer than is absolutely necessary.

As Lowrey is distracted by the girl, and Burnett remains distracted trying to retrieve his fries, two carjackers appear at the Porsche's windows with guns.
Here's the first of a few scenes in which Burnett & Lowrey use their continual bickering to do some distraction themselves, and to show to the audience what a well-drilled partnership they are.
As they step out of the car they continue their argument long enough to pull out their own weapons, announce that they're cops & overpower their significantly larger assailants.

Cue the credits.

There are more shots of an orange-hued Miami, I guess it's meant to look moody or atmospheric, but only succeeds in making the city look like Sydney during bushfire season.

We cut to a truck driving through the city streets at night, inside are a gang of villainous types, one of whom is dressed in a police uniform and who announces that his role is that of the decoy.
The lead villain, who we'll come to learn much later in the film, is a Frenchman named Fouchet, shoots him, causing him to fall out of the back of the truck into the street.
Fouchet then places a call to 911 about a cop being shot, causing a city-wide manhunt by all police resources.
Fouchet & his gang arrive at a near-empty Police HQ and break in. We see lots of shots of the team scurrying down tunnels, knocking out CCTV cameras, drugging the one elderly cop remaining, until they get to their target: a massive haul of foil-wrapped bricks of heroin.
Using an elaborate & fast paced trolley device in the ventilation system they load all of the heroin and drop it into the waiting truck outside, before making their own escape via the same method. Meanwhile, the truck driver grabs a brick for himself and stashes it in his bag. You know that this won't end well for him...

The next morning Burnett is at home with his wife, Theresa, and three young children, when Lowrey arrives to collect him for work. A call comes in for them to get to the precinct. Isn't that where they were going anyway?

As the duo walk into the precinct we meet the flustered secretary, Marilyn Monroe-a-like Francine, who has an unrequited Moneypenny-style crush on Lowrey; and the foul-mouthed, perma-angry Captain Howard (Joe Pantoliano, from pretty much every TV show & film you've ever seen. The omnipresent Pantoliano was in another film that came out during my few months as a projectionist: Congo)

Howard explains to Burnett & Lowrey that the haul of heroin, the "career-making" heist they had been responsible for, has been stolen from the precinct and they have no leads as everyone was out chasing the rogue cop-killer.

Alison Sinclair from Internal Affairs arrives (Marg Helgenberger, 8 years before she would star as Catherine Willows in the long-running TV show CSI), it's clear she & Howard have history and she antagonises him further by stating the robbery has to have been an inside job.

We're introduced to two other detectives, the Hispanic duo Sanchez & Ruiz, who have a similar argumentative relationship with one another as Burnett & Lowrey, and also serve to antagonise the two leads further still as the four engage in some offensive bantering that borders on racism:

Burnett : [to Sanchez and Ruiz]  Where were y'all last night?

Lowrey : Yeah, why don't you just tell your cousins to bring the shit back?

Sanchez : Yeah we tried to, but you know what? We came up with a problem; your mama snorted it up!

Why is everyone in this film so argumentative?

Howard explains (shouts) that they have roughly 72 hours to find who did the heist before they're accused of involvement and the department is shut down. There doesn't seem to be any justification in announcing this deadline, other than a throwaway "you know how it is" comment from Howard.

Sanchez & Ruiz are tasked with finding out who installed the precinct's ventilation system, while Burnett & Lowrey go to speak to a few contacts. First up is Jojo, a reformed former drug dealer/cook now running a tyre dealership, played by a young Michael Imperioli. Next is a visit to a boxing gym where Lowrey speaks to his ex-girlfriend, and escort, Maxine. Lowrey asks "Max" to keep an eye out for any newly-rich, drug-dealing types, which she agrees to do. Meanwhile Burnett plays around with gym equipment, revealing himself to be out-of-shape & incapable of lifting weights.

So, with that onerous task done, having spoken to just one ex-drug dealer & one of Lowrey's ex-girlfriends, our pair get the call to make their way to the home of the ventilation system installer instead.
Remember, this was meant to be Sanchez and Ruiz's job, it appears that their role stops at getting an address.

The pair arrive at a giant mansion, in what I suppose to be one of the more expensive areas of Miami, to find the door open, so enter, with their guns out. Inside they find the decomposing, long-dead body of the ventilation system installer, lying across a desk.
Burnett wants to call in the homicide department, but Lowrey starts to look through the various files on the desk, and through the pockets of the corpse. It's interesting to note that a seasoned police officer sees fit to do this without first donning a pair of gloves, and with no thought of how his actions may interfere with a crime scene. Marg Helgenberger would be appalled.

Lowrey discovers that the ventilation installer had gambling debts and had received a massive payment recently, which it's presumed was a pay-off for the plans to the system his company installed at the precinct. It's also then deduced that he couldn't be trusted to keep quiet so was killed.

Having tampered with a crime scene, and presumably implicated themselves in a murder, Burnett & Lowrey return to the precinct. On the way they discuss Burnett's slow driving (this is relevant for later), his car (a Volvo, also relevant for later), how the two have known each other for years, and how Lowrey has inherited family money (so we know that his riches haven't come from nefarious means - he's wealthy, but an honest & hard-working cop).
We also get a brief burst of the two of them singing the song that lends its name to the film's title: Inner Circle's Bad Boys. In a nice twist Will Smith sings it badly; this is not a film, like so many of his later ones, in which Smith appears on the soundtrack, like a more credible Dennis Waterman.

We cut to a Madam, Lois, running an escort agency from her bedroom, taking calls from clients while Max, Lowrey's ex from the gym, lounges on the bed. Max asks if there have been any newly-rich clients on the scene, and of course, there is.
Lois explains that someone has been wanting to procure two girls, and asks if Max would be interested. She could even take her flatmate Julie whom she knows needs money. Max explains that Julie "isn't a working girl", but is convinced when Lois tells her it would be $2K for one night's work, and besides "he's so off his face he probably can't get it up".
Anyone else hearing alarm bells here? You'd be right to.

Max & Julie (the aforementioned Téa Leoni) walk to the client's hotel, discussing Julie's situation as an out-of-work photographer, and how they're doing this as a favour for Mike, the cop that Max "is secretly in love with, and who might secretly be in love with [Max]".
It's not made clear why Max doesn't call this in to Lowrey, but decides to embroil herself and her best friend in what could be a perilous situation instead.

They enter the client's hotel suite, and it's Eddie, the driver from the heist, who has made a start ingesting the brick of heroin he snaffled from the van earlier.
Seeing the state of him Julie makes her excuses and leaves to go to the bathroom. While she's away Fouchet and the rest of the gang enter the suite, Fouchet spots the brick & is angry. Julie watches from a mezzanine as Fouchet shoots Max in the back, in all-too-explicit slo-mo, and knee-caps Eddie.
Eddie pleads for his life, explaining that it was him who got Fouchet "connected" on the inside, but to no avail as he's shot multiple times by the gang.

Julie is spotted by the gang and runs, making her escape across the rooftop & jumping into the hotel pool many stories below. A nice homage to Lana Woods similar stunt in one of my favourite films, Diamonds Are Forever.
Fouchet tells his men to find out who she is, and who she works for.

Later, Burnett & Lowrey arrive at the hotel to investigate, alongside a host of other cops. They recognise Eddie, he's an ex-cop, fired for being on the take, and they see that the remains of the heroin brick are still on the table. You'd think a gang of hardened criminals, looking to tidy up every loose end, would've cleaned that up; but no.
There's some neat detective work as someone spots two shades of lipstick on separate glasses. There was another girl here, and judging by the bullet holes around the walls the crooks had spotted her as she made her getaway.
Lowrey then sees that the other dead body in the room is Max, causing him to get angry & upset, and to race off to Lois's house, guessing, rightly as it turns out, that she could be danger. As we cut to a shot of Lois in her house we see her power get cut off...

Burnett is at the precinct with Captain "Shouty" Howard, as the pair of them try to work out who Eddie went to work for after he was fired from the police. Meanwhile Lowrey, again disregarding proper police protocol, arrives as Lois's house alone, to find it in darkness, with blood on the floor. He calls it in, following protocol at last, but as he does so he's thrown through a window by Fouchet's gang. In slo-mo, of course, this is a Michael Bay film, after all.

Back at the precinct Howard answers a call on Lowrey's phone, it's Julie, but she'll only speak to Lowrey. Burnett is convinced by Howard to take the call in Lowrey's absence, posing as Lowrey - "Mike Lowwwwrey" - and arranges to meet her at her & Max's apartment. And so begins the farcical escapade where the two have to pretend to be each other.

When Burnett arrives Julie first attacks him with a baseball bat, unconvinced that he is Lowrey, as, despite never meeting him, she's heard a lot about him from Max and this short, badly-dressed guy doesn't fit the mental picture she has of the smooth ladies man.
To be honest, there are a lot of comments about how different the two leads dress in this film, but I struggled to see much of a difference in their respective styles. Maybe that was the point.

As Julie & Burnett-as-Lowrey quarrel Fouchet's men arrive & open fire, having obviously got the address from Lois prior to killing her. Burnett returns fire, killing one of the gang, and they, together with Julie's two dogs, manage to make a getaway in his car. Cue more banter as Julie suggests that the aforementioned Volvo, with a baby-seat, is not what she imagined Lowrey to drive. He explains it by saying he's been working undercover as a family man.

Julie tells Burnett-as-Lowrey that she refuses to go into protective custody, as she doesn't trust the police after meeting Eddie - incidentally, I don't recall anyone mentioning Eddie was a cop whilst she was there.
Julie says she'll only stay at Lowrey's apartment as Max trusted him. Remember, this is the same Max that got killed doing a favour for Lowrey.

Burnett takes Julie to Lowrey's apartment, and has to first bribe Chet, the doorman, into letting him in. Chet is another of the film's comic turns, a wannabe cop who failed the test, but is astute enough to deliver the line "Who's the chick? How's your wife?" upon seeing Burnett arrive with Julie.

Once in the apartment Burnett-as-Lowrey falls over a lot, and can't find basic stuff like light switches, leading Julie to again suspect that all is not as it seems.
Burnett-as-Lowrey leaves Julie alone in the apartment, and heads home, to a grilling from Theresa.

The next day, back at the precinct, a dazed & concussed Lowrey is briefed on the situation and the pair are told to maintain the ruse until they get who the people responsible. So far, all that Burnett has gleaned from Julie is that they're "making the drop in 4 days".

Burnett, with Lowrey, goes home, so he can tell Theresa that he is going to Cleveland on a case, and that Lowrey will be moving in while he is away. There's a vague explanation of him staying there for the safety of Burnett's family, but it's not immediately obvious why a man of independent wealth & means feels the need to stay at his friend's house while his is indisposed.

We next see Fouchet & his gang on a ship in the docks, it's here that they're adding a cutting agent to the drug to make it go further, or something. The chemist, a bespectacled student-type, with an overly laid back assistant, tells Fouchet that they need more cutting agent as it doesn't work as well in the damp conditions. Clearly a ship in docked in one of the most humid cities in the USA is the worst place for them to be.

Later that night Julie & Burnett-as-Lowrey are in Lowrey's apartment again. She asks who the man in all the photos is, as every photograph in the place is of Lowrey. Burnett says it's his partner, and having multiple photos of your partner is "a cop thing". This leads Julie to say that she thought he might be gay. And as day follows night, this inevitably leads to Burnett-as-Lowrey denying he's homosexual in the most emphatic terms.
The pair of them then go through some mug shots, and Julie recognises one of Fouchet's gang. It transpires he works in a nightclub, Club Hell, providing the detectives with their first lead.


The next day at the precinct Burnett & Lowrey are bickering about their respective situations, namely having to live each other's life, when Lowrey takes a call from Theresa. The pair flirt on the phone, much to Burnett's annoyance.

Lowrey & Francine, the precinct's nervy secretary from earlier, are attempting to read Eddie's file, but aren't able to as access is denied.

Burnett & Lowrey then return to Lowrey's apartment, still in character as each other, to collect a load of weapons and to inform Julie that they're going to Club Hell to arrest Fouchet's henchman. again, they duo discard with regular police protocol & make plans to go to the club on their own, no back-up, no uniforms, no warrant...

More farce ensues as Lowrey observes that Julie's dogs have crapped everywhere, including on his new rug. Then, another woman lets herself in & begins undressing. Burnett-as-Lowrey evicts her, much to her annoyance as she doesn't have any idea who he is (more suspicious glances from Julie) and causing Lowrey himself to get angry as he was onto a sure thing.

We cut to outside Club Hell, judging by the looks of the clientele it's the kind of club where only supermodels and Olympic athletes are allowed in, and, even then, only if they're partially clothed.
Waiting outside the club is a simpleton in a truck, and his boss, berating him for smoking, which allows him to explain that the truck is carrying highly flammable ether. This is the additional cutting agent that Fouchet's chemists wanted.

Back at Lowrey's apartment, Julie takes one of Lowrey's guns & points it at the computer screen, which Burnett has conveniently left switched on showing the henchman's mugshot, including details of his whereabouts, and bizarrely, also the details of a $18,000 reward for his arrest and a warning that he's armed & dangerous.
Even more bizarrely, in the next scene, Burnett & Lowrey discuss how the henchmen is on parole and working in the nightclub. Which is it, is he on parole or a wanted man?

Burnett & Lowrey enter the club, and we now get Michael Bay at his video-directing best. As Nine Inch Nails blast over the soundtrack, we see countless beautiful people dancing in slo-mo.

Lowrey positions himself at the bar, ostensibly to ogle a woman lounging, literally, on the bar, whose foot is all we see. Burnett, meanwhile, goes to the toilet. On the way there, and unbeknownst to him, he's spotted by Fouchet & his henchmen from an upstairs office overlooking the dancefloor, and recognised as the man who was in Julie & Max's apartment. Two thugs are dispatched to take him out while he's having a leak. One puts a plastic bag on his head, while the other punches him. Burnett proves himself more than capable in a fight though. This is the same man who floundered in a gym earlier, unable to lift any weights.

While Burnett is fighting off the two henchmen he desperately tries to get the attention of Lowrey, through the giant fishtank that doubles as the toilet wall, enabling club patrons & toilet-goers to watch each others activities. Lowrey, meanwhile, is still busying himself with a drink & the disembodied foot.
Burnett knocks out the two thugs, but in the melee the fishtank is destroyed, scattering water & fish everywhere.
It's worth mentioning here that, for an action film, Will Smith/Lowrey hasn't yet involved himself in any action. So far, Burnett & Julie have featured in more. Speaking of which...

Julie now enters the club, with Lowrey's handgun drawn & aims it at Fouchet & his henchmen, who watch as she does, from their office window. It's amazing how they're able to pick people out so easily in a packed nightclub.
Burnett & Lowrey spot Julie too, and race to stop her from shooting. She does get a shot off though, causing panic in the club.
Spotting that Fouchet's men are giving chase, the trio make their escape & Burnett commandeers the nearest available vehicle outside: the ether truck. I guess Lowrey's Porsche was parked just too far away.
Fouchet & his men have no such difficulty locating more suitable vehicles and chase the van, shooting as they go, and, in turn, being shot at by Lowrey.

Burnett is the first to notice the smell of the ether, so, during the chase, Lowrey & Julie throw the barrels out at the chasing cars, causing explosions and killing many of Fouchet's men, including their one lead, the henchman that Julie recognised from the mugshots.
With their lead gone, and Julie angry that Burnett-as-Lowrey seems unconcerned about avenging Max's death, the trio argue on a road bridge while a news helicopter films them from above.

The three then go to a convenience store, where their presence & their clearly visible weapons unnerves the store owner. Burnett & Lowrey discuss the ether & its use as a cutting agent in heroin. They agree that they need to speak again to Jojo, the reformed drug dealer/cook turned tyre fitter, and the only person the pair of them seem to know in Miami.
Meanwhile the store owner has convinced himself that he's about to be robbed, so pulls out his own gun & yells out "Freeze mutha-bitches!". Burnett & Lowrey do their bickering/diversion trick again, and confuse the store owner just enough to allow them to pull out their own weapons on him, and deliver the following infamous lines, which were apparently ad-libbed by Smith & Lawrence:

Mike Lowrey: Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.
Marcus Burnett: And some Skittles.

Time goes a little haywire here. Presumably the events at the club happened late at night, as the club was packed, then there was the car chase, which surely had repercussions & a cleanup operation, then the three must have to go back to the club's locale to collect Lowrey's Porsche, and then they have the stand-off at the convenience store.
It must be about 4 or 5am by now, but we still have time for more incident this evening.

Burnett-as-Lowrey & Julie are back in Lowrey's apartment. Julie is clearly working out what's going on, she's visibly flirting with an uncomfortable Burnett, and winding him up by suggesting that "Burnett's wife" is a lucky lady, spending every evening with a man like Lowrey-as-Burnett.
Wracked with jealousy Burnett calls home, to overhear Theresa and Lowrey giggling while they look through old photos. Again, it must be about 4am at least, and all four are up chatting to one another.
As Lowrey takes out a photo, and Theresa implores him to "put it back in", Burnett misunderstands, and, enraged, grabs Julie and drives to his house.

Back at Burnett's house Lowrey has spotted a car parked outside & places a call to Sanchez & Ruiz, who are on watch outside the house. Inside the car are two more of Fouchet's men (how many does he have?!), who observe Burnett arriving.
Burnett handcuffs Julie to the steering wheel (I'm not sure why, she came to them after all, and isn't a suspect), and sneaks up to the house to see what's going on. Yet more farce ensues as Lowrey mistakes him for one of the bad guys from the car & attacks him.
Again, Lowrey must be one of the most inept police officers in Miami. Rather than do the whole "Freeze! Armed police!" thing, he just launches himself at Burnett, with no idea of who he is, whether he's alone or with others, or if he's armed or not.
Burnett, believing that Lowrey has been sleeping with Theresa, fights back. In their car the two thugs watch the fight, joking about how they don't need to kill them if they're going to kill each other first. They're still laughing when Sanchez & Ruiz turn up and arrest them.

On the lawn, after their fight, Lowrey explains that he wouldn't do anything with Theresa, and the pair reconcile. There's some talk of how they've been friends all their lives too, since well before they both joined the police.

The next day at the precinct (actually probably only about 30 or 40 minutes after the longest night ever) Sinclair from IA is again arguing with Howard, and asking why records show that calls were made from there to Club Hell. Howard is now convinced they have a mole. But who?

Meanwhile Sanchez & Ruiz are doing some actual police work, interviewing the two thugs they arrested outside Burnett's house. They know little, apparently this was their first job, "Oh, so does that make you union?" asks Sanchez.
However the two do get a name: Fouchet. This is the first time the gang leader's name has been mentioned.

As per their earlier conversation Burnett & Lowrey go to visit Jojo the tyre fitter. Burnett again dispenses with the police handbook & pulls a gun on Jojo, threatening to kill him if he doesn't tell all that he knows about chemists who would cut heroin with ether.
This is another of the two's tactics, but Jojo isn't to know that. Burnett leaves, making a show of being appalled and scared by Lowrey's temper & imploring Jojo to talk.

Jojo recalls the name of the chemist, and so the cops, with Julie (for some reason) keep watch outside his house, with Julie again handcuffed to the steering wheel. As the chemist leaves they follow him to the ship in the docks.
While the three of them watch the ship, from perhaps the most obvious viewing position they could find, they begin bickering again, with Julie again making suggestions that the two of them might be a couple. Meanwhile Fouchet is watching them from the ship's deck; in all honestly, he probably heard them squabbling too.

At Burnett's house one of his kids is watching the news, and sees the footage of his father on the bridge after the car chase of the previous evening. With Theresa now aware that Burnett is not in Cleveland she decides to go to the one place she'll suspects that he'll be, Lowrey's apartment, to confront him.

Back at Lowrey's apartment Julie finds a key to the handcuffs, and takes it, thinking, rightly, that she may need it if she's going to be handcuffed to a steering wheel again.
Burnett & Lowrey are busily bickering again, as Lowrey gets changed, when Theresa shows up. Julie lets her in, much to Theresa's annoyance: "I'm here to kill my husband Marcus"
"The short one or the tall one?"
"The short one" she replies
"Thought so", and so Julie finally gets the confirmation she's wanted that the two of them have switched places

Julie walks out as Theresa confronts Burnett, with a partially dressed Lowrey close behind him. Lowrey spots that Julie has left & races to stop her, while Burnett attempts to explain what's going on to Theresa.
Theresa storms off too, with Burnett continuing to explain as she does.
All four of them converge on the apartment lobby as Fouchet & his men arrive. There is an almighty shoot-out (again, in slo-mo) as Fouchet grabs Julie and makes a getaway. He, Julie & his men jump into a car and drive away, chased by Lowrey on foot.
Theresa, instantly realising that her husband has been on police business, not engaged in some kind of debauched threesome with his best friend & the strange woman in Lowrey's apartment, tells Burnett she loves him & makes him go after the bad guys.

Now we get one of those chase scenes where the belligerents race through different locations for comic effect, I remember the Dirty Harry films of the 70s doing this regularly. With Lowrey shooting at will on the streets Fouchet's driver crashes their car. They then continue to get away on foot: through a bikini photoshoot, through a hairdressing salon, out into the street, and steal a taxi.
Meanwhile, Burnett, with that second sense that cops in movies so often have, arrives from a different direction, just in time to jump onto the taxi's roof as it speeds away.

Fouchet's driver deliberately crashes the taxi, sending Burnett sprawling onto the street in front of them. As they rev up to finish him off Lowrey comes from the side to sweep him off the road.

Fouchet and his men get away, with Julie; and Michael Bay gets his image of his two stars for the trailer: the pair of them on the street, shirts nearly off, in baggy 90s jeans, panting & sweating.

Here's where it all gets a bit confusing: Fouchet had no need or intention to kidnap Julie, all along he's been wanting to kill her, so why grab her in the lobby? Why even go to Lowrey's apartment at all? He'd have been better off keeping a low profile & quietly going about his business.
Anyhow, now that he has Julie he decides to use her as insurance, so places a call to the precinct, where everyone has assembled, telling them to keep away from him or he'll kill her.
To show he means business he tells them that he killed his chemist. OK... I'm not sure why he called in the first place, and why bother boasting about killing the chemist?

Sinclair is at the precinct too, telling Howard that she's shutting them down & re-assigning them all. While this is going on Burnett is with a computer hacker (former basketballer John Salley) accessing Eddie's file. The hacker can't understand what the issue is, as he's able to access the file without having to resort to any nefarious means: in it they see that Eddie had a girlfriend: Francine, the secretary. The team have found their mole.

Francine tearfully admits that it was her giving the information to Fouchet, but only because he & Eddie had taken explicit photos of her & threatened to post them on her children's school noticeboard.

Now that they know more about Fouchet & his operation Burnett puts in a call to one of his henchmen to triangulate his phone, and discover they're heading to a local airfield. Enrolling Sanchez & Ruiz as backup they go to the airfield too, as Howard calls in some favours & arranges SWAT teams, helicopters etc.

Fouchet is at the airfield, in a hangar, meeting up with a stereotype of a South American drug baron; Julie is once again handcuffed to the steering wheel of a car nearby. Fouchet and the drug baron discuss their deal, which will net Fouchet $90m, and watch as a car, an AC Cobra, is loaded onto the drug baron's plane with the huge quantity of drugs.
Suddenly a garbage truck bursts through the walls of the hangar. Suspecting a trap Fouchet kills the drug baron & a gunfight with the "garbagemen" ensues; it's Burnett, Lowrey, Sanchez & Ruiz. For no apparent reason Sanchez & Ruiz have decided to dress the part in overalls too.
In the confusion Julie uses the key she stole earlier to escape her handcuffs and sends the car she's in into a pile of ether barrels, causing them to explode.

There's a lot of gunfire, and we see what's left of Fouchet's seemingly limitless supply of men get killed; as Fouchet makes a getaway in the Cobra, pursued by Burnett (with Julie & Lowrey) in the Porsche, the hangar, and plane, explode.
This explosion was apparently at the insistence of Bay, who was so keen on the idea that he paid for it himself.

There's a brief Porsche v Cobra car chase along a runway, in which Burnett, urged on by Lowrey, surprised that his slow-driving friend can handle a car at speed, pushes Fouchet's car into a crash barrier at high speed. Fouchet is alive, but barely, and starts to stagger away as the Porsche comes to a halt & the three get out. Again, eschewing the traditional "Freeze!" stuff, Lowrey shoots him in the leg as he runs.
The three walk towards the villain as he lies prone on the ground. Lowrey makes to shoot him, wanting revenge for Max's death, but Burnett persuades him otherwise, giving it the "He's not worth it..." shtick.
As Lowrey lowers his gun Fouchet pulls out a pistol, Lowrey sees a glint of light from the barrel & shoots.

With Fouchet dead, and paramedics treating our heroes, Burnett once again handcuffs Julie, this time to Lowrey, and limps away, in the gunfight he took a bullet to his leg. There's further banter as Burnett tells them he's off home to his wife, and the implication that Julie & Lowrey should get together.
Unfortunately for Téa Leoni, this was to be her only appearance in the Bad Boys films; a shame, as her character Julie added a decent dynamic, and, I thought, lifted this film above most buddy-cop movies.
It might have been an idea for the character to return in the sequels, perhaps in a capacity as a CSI (she's an out-of-work photographer, remember?).

Watching the film again, and this was one of the few that I watched all the way through at the time, it strikes me that it's a really long slog, and summarising it here was hard work. It does not stop for breath at all. We cut from one scene to the next at an unrelenting pace, but strangely, compared to a film from, say, the Fast & Furious franchise, there's very little actual action.

There's also not much in the way of character building. Any backstory the characters may have is delivered in throwaway lines: we know Burnett & Lowrey have known each other since childhood, we know Lowrey has inherited wealth but always wanted to be a cop, we know Burnett married his childhood sweetheart and is a family man, we know that Julie is an out-of-work photographer, but that's pretty much it.
Sanchez & Ruiz are clearly the better cops, and it would've been interesting to see more of them & learned more of their characters, but we get so little of them.
We see that there's history between Howard & Sinclair, but nothing is made of that.
We know Lowrey is a ladies man because he has a history with Max, there's also the uninvited woman undressing in his apartment, and he'd rather ogle a woman in a club than assist his friend when he's being attacked, but there's precious little evidence of his reputation other than his word.

All in all, an entertaining action film (but, as mentioned before, Will Smith rarely gets involved in the action), but it's not without its flaws; and, not surprisingly, it does have the look of a music video director's first foray into cinema.

Something that did come to mind while I re-watched it: the multiplex where I worked had a couple of security staff, two lads from a local security firm that worked weekends & evenings, usually keeping an eye on the car park, and hovering around whenever anyone got loud or abusive to the other patrons or staff.
Often though, in their absence or when they had other incidents to deal with, I would be called upon, as one of the taller members of staff, to leave the projection booth to assist management in throwing out objectionable patrons. For some reason, this film seemed to attract more than its fair share of those, and I spent a fair few evenings loitering behind one of the managers as they attempted to placate or eject a few more-than-boisterous clientele.
I've no idea why this film, more than others, seemed to rile up audience members so much. Some might point to the excessive, glamourised violence on screen, or the constant wise-cracking, swearing, & banter, but Bad Boys seemed no worse in that regards than many other films before or since, and was not in the same league as one of the other few box office successes that summer (and topic of a future blog): Pulp Fiction.

FIN

Tank Girl

One of the films I anticipated the most during my time as a projectionist was Tank Girl, Rachel Talalay's dystopian comedy based on the comic book creation of Jamie Hewlett & Alan Martin.

The trailers shown in the cinema leading up to its release promised a Mad Max-style romp with the added lure of a sassy lead, in Lori Petty, & a contemporary soundtrack featuring some of the era's biggest names (selected & co-ordinated by none other than Courtney Love).

When a new film was delivered to a cinema one of the first tasks for the projectionist was to splice the reels together into one giant reel of film - this being before digital, but after the days of a projectionist manning two projectors and switching one off & another on during reel changes - incidentally, for anyone that's wondered what the rough circle that flashes on the top right-hand side of the screen when watching any older film signifies: that's the cue for the projectionist to start the next reel on the other projector. The first circle appears a few seconds before the end of the reel, the second as the reel finishes.

Splicing films together was a long, drawn-out process involving running each reel manually through gloved hands onto a large platter, physically splicing the reels together with tape, and marking the join with a waxy, white pencil.
What was curious about Tank Girl was that, while doing this, I noticed long sequences of animated scenes; obvious to the projectionist as the film itself was suddenly brighter, more colourful.
This led me to believe that some of Hewlett's artwork would be featured throughout the film, which is the case, but with exceptions...

Tank Girl opens with credits over a sequence of Hewlett's aforementioned artwork, set to the tune of Devo's 'Girl U Want'; not the original, but the band doing a updated version of their own song, made to sound more like Soundgarden's cover.
Confused? Get used to it.

It's here we see that legendary Special Effects artist Stan Winston is credited with creating the Rippers, part of the comic's lore. Winston was so keen to work on the Rippers that he halved his fee so as to keep within the film's budget.


The film proper starts with desert scenes & a voice-over, Lori Petty's eponymous heroine, telling us that it's 2033, and the world has run out of water after a comet strike.

"Listen up, cause I'm only telling you this once. I'm not bedtime story lady, so pay attention. It's 2033. The world is *screwed* now. You see, a while ago this humongous comet came crashing into the earth. Bam, total devastation. End of the world as we know it. No celebrities, no cable TV, no water. It hasn't rained in 11 years. Now 20 people gotta squeeze inside the same bathtub - so it ain't all bad."

Tank Girl herself then appears in the desert, with flying helmet, goggles & other assorted paraphernalia, riding a buffalo. As you do.

She stumbles across a scene of devastation: some military types have come out second best after a battle.

There follows some further exposition, explaining what went down here: the Rippers (bloodthirsty mutants, created by Johnny Prophet) have attacked representatives of a company named Water & Power. TG then explains that W&P own all the water, but she & her friends steal from them.

TG collects a few artifacts including something that looks like a pétanque ball, but which contains spring loaded knives. It's the sort of thing Clive Barker might have thought up for one of his Hellraiser films.

TG & her buffalo then head home, a commune in a large Munsters-style house in the middle of nowhere. Here we meet our heroine's boyfriend, a ridiculously toned, perfectly-coiffured, white-teethed, good-looking guy that I feel would be unlikely to have access to all that he needs to maintain his looks in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
It's said that Hewlett & Martin agreed with a lot of Talalay's vision for the film, but all three clashed with the producers, who, I get the impression, may have insisted upon casting this guy.
We also meet Tank Girl's friend Sam, a young girl who couldn't be more like Newt from Aliens if she carried a disembodied doll's head.

We cut to the W&P HQ, where a group of Nazi-like officers are being toasted by their boss, Kesslee, Malcolm McDowell at his malevolent best.
Kesslee turns the toast into a bollocking, the subject of his rage being one of his senior W&P lackeys who has only secured "95% of the desert". After much smashing of glass & angry shouting Kesslee gets the unfortunate lackey to remove his boots & socks and walk across the broken glass, before then stabbing him with a water extraction device that dehydrates him as it fills.

Kesslee then promotes Sergeant Small, one of the other Nazi-like lackeys in the room, toasts him with the water extracted from his predecessor, and reveals that he too is walking barefoot in the broken glass.
Sharp-eyed viewers will have already noticed that McDowell had a pair of shiny black shoes on at the start of this scene.

Back at the Munster's commune Tank Girl, whom we've learned is named Rebecca, is on guard duty in a trench, but is being watched by unseen assailants.
Sam, the Newt-a-like, approaches TG & is gifted the deadly pétanque ball before returning to the house.
In the house, meanwhile, Tank Girl's boyfriend finds a pair of boots that she purloined from a dead W&P operative, together with a cryptic note saying "snip snip".
This transpires to be an invitation to join her in the trench where she'll remove her clothes with scissors, which she starts while presuming her boyfriend to be behind her. It is then revealed that the guy behind her is, in fact, a heavily-armed W&P trooper, in camo gear with night vision goggles, part of an assault team attacking the commune.

TG manages to kill the lurking trooper by stealing the pins from his grenades, causing him to explode, and launches a one-woman counter-attack on the other troops. In the ensuing battle she manages to dispatch a number of troops, but not before most of her commune, including her boyfriend, are slain.
TG & Newt-a-like are captured and placed on separate aircraft, TG ostensibly to be raped by the troops.
When one of the troops decides to make a move on TG, during the flight back to their base (and against the advice of his fellow troops, who probably feel a little uncomfortable about being in close proximity to a sexual assault), she manages to break his neck.
It's not then made clear why TG isn't killed at this point, but is instead taken to W&P's head honcho, Kesslee, & Sergeant Small, for interrogation & some bad poetry.

Kesslee, impressed at how TG has managed to kill so many of his men, offers her a job, which she declines in her own inimitable way, so is taken to work in a mine. A mine in which she & her fellow prisoners appear to be digging for buckets of dirt.

In an early role for Academy-nominated Australian actress Naomi Watts, it's here we now encounter Jet, or Jet Girl, a mousy, shy, bespectacled, greasy-haired mechanic found working on jet engines.

Jet is the subject of Sergeant Small's unpleasant and unwanted sexual advances, which Tank Girl helps to rebuff . In a film with so many far-fetched scenes it's this that's one of the most unlikely: TG intervenes when Small is harassing Jet, she kisses her & tells him to keep his hands off her. The creepy, lecherous Small is so appalled at this that he walks away in disgust. Really? He's appalled by this?

Later we see Tank Girl come out of hiding at the end of her shift, and spy a tank for the first time, to the tune of Isaac Hayes' Shaft.
She breaks in, but without the security code the tank locks automatically & releases cyanide gas. Jet is, somehow, on hand to break her out & explain that the tank isn't operational, which has saved her as the release of cyanide gas has malfunctioned.
There are a few scenes like this in this film: where peril dissipates instantly & a simple explanation is offered instead.
While TG & Jet discuss escape in the tank we see that Kesslee & Small are watching them on a screen. Here Kesslee utters one of the standout lines from the trailer: "My my, she'll be fun to break".

Small approaches Jet as she works on an actual jet, and tells her she's lost all flying privileges & access to the hangar, but somehow leaves her to continue her maintenance work on the aircraft she's in.
Jet is then seen crying in the toilet, before being consoled by Tank Girl with a wildly inappropriate incest quip.

'You gotta think about it like the first time you got laid. You just gotta say: "Daddy, are you sure this is right?"'

One of the W&P goons is on hand to drag TG away & she's placed in a strait-jacket, in a freezer. Kesslee again offers TG a job, TG again declines, and is taken to "The Pipe", a 40m downward sloping pipe that gets smaller toward the bottom. TG is thrown into this, head first, and in a sack, and starts to have visions of her boyfriend's death & Newt-a-like's kidnapping.

We cut to a W&P outpost that's been attacked by the Rippers. Small is there with Kesslee & informs him they believe the Rippers are attacking from underground subgates, to which Kesslee suggests he knows the perfect person to find them.
Back to "The Pipe". Weren't we only here a few seconds ago? Tank Girl is brought before Kesslee and we witness the start of the pair's "I win" banter. They go back to this throughout the film.
Tank Girl is taken to the scene of the earlier attack & told she's to walk into the subgate where she'll either be killed by a booby-trap, or come face-to-face with the Rippers.
"Either way, I win" says Kesslee.
Small fires a locating device into Tank Girl's leg, which displays her heart-rate on a monitor on Kesslee's wrist.
Before TG can get to the subgate the Rippers attack the W&P troops that have escorted them there.
From high above Jet hijacks an actual jet by ejecting the pilot, & she watches the attack take place.

Tank Girl escapes the onslaught by hiding behind a tank. She steps out once the Rippers have left & spots Kesslee's arm, with the heart monitor still attached. "What happened to the rest of you?!" she shouts as she stamps on it.

Jet lands her jet & tells Tank Girl that she's willing to escape with her, "You take the tank...".

Tank Girl's inability to control the tank results in her knocking out Jet with its gun, and here we get the first of the extended animated parts.

There are two schools of thought regarding these sequences: one was that the producers didn't like the finished film & so commissioned an animation studio to re-film parts on the cheap; the other is that they simply forgot to film scenes, and couldn't get Lori Petty & the rest back to film them.
I've also heard a theory that Petty had begun growing her hair for another role & wouldn't (or couldn't) shave it again.
Regardless of the reason for these animated sequences, they stick out like the proverbial sore thumb. They're cheap-looking, don't match the frequent snippets of Jamie Hewlett's artwork, and they totally disrupt the flow of the film.

Once the animated segment finishes we're back at W&P HQ, where an injured & masked Kesslee is being told by a doctor that he won't regain his eyesight, or re-grow his arm.
Small arrives with Che'tsai, a cybernetic expert with a strategy for restoring Kesslee to health, and kills the doctor, rather unnecessarily I thought, with Kesslee's stabby dehydrating water extraction device.

Tank Girl and Jet are now in an abandoned funfair, for no discernible reason. Here they meet Sub Girl (Ann, the "other" Cusack sibling), a regular from the comics, but vastly under-utilised here, in her one & only scene.

Sub has some of Newt-a-like's belongings & explains that she was taken to work in Liquid Silver in the town.

Realising they can't approach the town with a stolen W&P tank & jet they set about re-designing & modifying both.
Cue a montage scene spliced with more of Hewlett's artwork.

Back at W&P HQ Che'tsai uses a giant pair of scissors to remove Kesslee's head.


Jet & Tank Girl arrive at Liquid Silver where Newt-a-like is working in the laundry.

The place is a futuristic brothel, populated by the kind of women who staffed the moon base in Gerry Anderson's live-action, 70s TV show UFO, and run by Ann Magnuson of the band Bongwater.
The place looks like an abandoned shopping centre in Arizona, which is exactly what it is.

Ann of Bongwater is approached by one of her moon base girls, who says that a client wants "the schoolgirl experience... for real". Ann of Bongwater tells her to fetch Newt-a-like.

Meanwhile Tank Girl has broken into the Liquid Silver dressing room, where a computerised rendering of a woman (Dawn Robinson of the band En Vogue) gives instruction as to how to dress & prepare for a shift at the brothel.
Cue a clothing montage, the bane of many 90s films.
Dawn of En Vogue says that, if directions were followed, then Tank Girl should look like her. Needless to say, she doesn't.

Newt-a-like is now dressed like a schoolgirl & being led away by a creepy paedophile (Iggy Pop! The Iggy Pop!). She tricks him into taking "her silver", in reality the deadly pétanque ball, claps her hands, and the spring-loaded knives within impale his hand.
Newt-a-like delivers the line "That's what you get for being a perve!" & runs into Tank Girl.
Newly re-united, the two make their escape, but end up riding towards Ann from Bongwater on a crowded escalator - I mentioned this place looks like, and is, a shopping centre, right?
Ann from Bongwater spots Tank Girl, and, despite never having seen her before, seems to know exactly who she is.
Tank Girl captures Ann from Bongwater, and in yet another scene that defies explanation, but is nevertheless spectacular to watch, Tank Girl leads the cast in a rendition of Cole Porter's Let's Do It.
Somehow Jet reappears at this point; and, having no doubt also had some time in Dawn from En Vogue's dressing room, appears to be wearing something that's equal parts military uniform and plastic bag.

Somehow the noise of the singing interrupts Small. I'm not sure how this is possible, is W&P HQ in an office above the futuristic brothel? It's not made clear.
Small orders some of his troopers to "shut it down", and at gun point too - he's not the most understanding of bosses.
The troops attack Liquid Silver & again take Newt-a-like hostage, leaving Jet & TG to watch as she's flown away. If only they had a jet of their own...

We next see Newt-a-like chained up at W&P HQ... Hang on, so this isn't an office above the futuristic brothel?
Kesslee approaches and tells her that she's the bait in a trap to capture Tank Girl. We don't see what's become of his head at this point, but he has a robotic arm with tiny whirring blades attached.

Cut to the desert and Tank Girl & Jet are looking for the Rippers in an area that Sub Girl told them they could be found. With Sub Girl edited out of most of the film it's left to these moments of exposition to fill in where her scenes should have been.


The two fall into a subgate & come face-to-face with the Rippers, kangaroo/human hybrids that include amongst their number Ice-T.

The Rippers are somewhat suspicious of them, suspecting them to be spies, as they have W&P equipment.

There's some more sexual assault references:
"I say we kill 'em", "I say we hump 'em" etc. Surprisingly, for a film that's lauded as being very pro-feminist, there are a lot of these kind of "jokes".

More exposition about the Rippers follows, with one of them, Booga, a sweet-natured soul who takes a shine to TG, explaining that their creator, Johnny Prophet, made them to be the ultimate soldiers, before leaving to work on a device that could turn sea water into fresh water.
Now, I'm no science expert, but I'm pretty certain that processes for desalination have been around for quite some time. Anyway...

The Rippers hatch a plan for our two heroines to prove they're not spies, by sneaking up to a W&P outpost to confirm that a shipment of arms will be leaving it. TG & Jet go to the outpost, possibly the same one that the Rippers attacked earlier in the film, judging by the look of it, and confirm that the weapons are there. This is done via an elaborate set-up in which they trick the workers into believing they're posing for a calendar shoot.
Having confirmed that the weapons are there word comes back from the Rippers that they now want Tank Girl & Jet to steal them.

We now get a scene that's very derivative of the final chase in Mad Max 2, in which Tank Girl chases down a truck and dispatches each of the W&P operatives, without the assistance of Jet who has unexplained engine troubles so can't join the fight. This is not explained & I can only assume the reason for her non-involvement was for budgetary reasons

Having captured the weapons Tank Girl takes them back to the Rippers who explain they'll destroy them, not use them. Before doing so we get another extended dance scene, this time from the Rippers, which leads to what looks like Booga & Tank Girl in a post-coital embrace.
There were apparently plans to shoot a longer scene here, but again the producers intervened & said that they thought such a scene would alienate a prospective audience, and insisted on its removal.
So, they were fine with scenes of child abuse and alluding to rape & sexual assault, but a relationship between the protagonist & a kangaroo hybrid, despite it being an integral part of the comics?
No way.

The Rippers open the crates to find no weapons, but the decomposing body of Johnny Prophet instead. We know it's him because he wears a name tag.
The Rippers howl in despair, and away at W&P HQ, possibly the office above the brothel, possibly not, Kesslee is listening.
Again, we don't see his face, but see that he is no longer capable of drinking a glass of water...

Now newly galvanised & seeking vengeance, the Rippers plan an attack on W&P: they'll repaint Jet's jet back in its W&P livery, its second makeover so far, & fly in with her; while Tank Girl launches a one-woman ground assault, to the tune of Ice-T's Big Gun.
Jet & the Rippers land in the hanger and position themselves to attack, but somehow Kesslee is still listening in.
Kesslee puts Newt-a-like into "The Pipe", but this time begins filling it slowly with water. For a society where water is scarce, they seem to enjoy wasting it.

Tank Girl meets up with Jet & the Rippers, it's not explained how she gets into the hanger, or how she manages to find them, but, before they can start to attack, the Rippers reveal they can't fight in the light.
Some "ultimate soldiers" they turned out to be.

Their leader, Deetee, takes out the power supply, but is shot & killed for his trouble.
The Rippers start their mournful howling again, terrifying the Nazi-like troopers that have assembled nearby.
As with desalination, I'm no expert on kangaroos, but I'm pretty sure I don't recall ever hearing Skippy howling like a wolf whenever he needed to tell Liza Goddard that a small child was stuck in the billabong.

We now get to the battle, another scene that appears to have been let down when the studio pulled funding, this time for post-production. Throughout the fight we see really obvious wires strapped to both the Rippers as they jump, & the troops they fling around.

TG hears Newt-a-like crying for help, and goes to investigate. However, it's not her, but Kesslee doing some neat voice trick. He explains that he placed microphones in TG's body, and has been listening to her all the time. He then thanks her for leading the Rippers into his trap.
This doesn't explain how he managed to listen to Jet & the Rippers while TG wasn't with them, but let's gloss over that.

They fight, and Kesslee, thanks to him using his own robotic arm to cut the supports on the raised walkway they're on, falls & gets trapped when the aforementioned arm is jammed into a big cog.
TG moves in to punch him and it's here it's revealed why Che'tsai severed his head; Kesslee's entire head is a hologram. I'm not sure how he's still capable of independent thought without a head, maybe his brain was uploaded to a server, or something. It's not explained.

Kesslee frees himself to continue the fight, and manages to pin TG down to resume their "I won" dialogue:
"Say 'I won'"
"I won!"
"No! Say 'I WON!!'"
"I WON!!" etc. and so on.

Tank Girl's tank then appears, crashing through a wall & pinning Kesslee to a conveniently placed electric fence with that cumbersome robotic arm of his. Honestly, I don't know why he bothered with it, it's more trouble than it's worth.

Now, during the earlier montage of artwork, the one that came about when Jet & Tank Girl modified their respective vehicles, there's the briefest of shots where we see TG place a human brain inside the tank.
It's never clear whose brain it is, where she got it from, or how she installed it, but it seems that, as with so many other aspects of this film, it's another vital piece of info that got lost in the final cut.

The tank is clearly able to think & act for itself, and nowhere more clearly than in this scene.
As TG implores the tank to finish off Kesslee, it lowers its gun and sort of shakes its turret. She then asks if it's out of ammunition and it nods its turret in confirmation.

With no ammo, Tank Girl jumps into the tank & resorts to firing beer bottles at Kesslee (how are they still making beer during a water shortage? Doesn't beer use something like 20 litres of water to make 1 litre of beer?)
One of the beer bottles hits a large bucket of water above Kesslee's head, tipping it over him and causing him to short-circuit. TG picks up his stabby water extraction device, and, despite having not seen it in use at any point of the film up to here, uses it to kill him.
Here she delivers one of my favourite lines of the film; as Kesslee dehydrates and his hologram head distorts she asks "Did I hurt you yet?"
TG then races off to rescue Newt-a-like from "The Pipe", and just in time.

Meanwhile, Sgt Small, who abandoned his post as soon as the battle commenced, is attempting to make a getaway by stealing a jet, when he's confronted by Jet herself.

Jet has now totally transformed from the nervous, bespectacled, greasy-haired mechanic we met at the start of the film, to a confident, lip-glossed, stylish vamp (with perfect eyesight), and a cold-blooded killer.

She shoots Small & does that trick where she blows away the smoke from her gun.

As TG and Newt-a-like make their own getaway they're approached by a group of W&P troopers who point their guns at them & make them get on their knees. As TG turns to Newt-a-like & says "See you in the next world" Booga appears to reveal that he's taken command of these troops & has taken the bullets from their gun.
So, if they've been taken prisoner, why are they still roaming about, pointing their weapons & barking commands at allies of the Rippers? another moment where danger & peril is removed with a cursory, throwaway line

The final part of the film is yet another of those cheaply animated sequences, where all of W&P's water is unleashed, causing rivers to re-flow, rain to fall, and all is suddenly right with the world.
Apparently Sub Girl (and her sub) was meant to make an appearance here, assisting in the final attack on W&P, & releasing the water, but her scenes were either cut or never filmed. This may explain why the end of the film is so confusing.

It's a sad finale to what could've been a great film had Talalay, Hewlett & Martin been given free rein to realise their vision.

While the world falls head-over-heels for post-apocalyptic, dystopian films featuring strong female leads (Hunger Games, Divergent, Mortal Engines, How I Live Now, The 5th Wave, Mad Max: Fury Road and so on) Tank Girl, possibly one of the first, if not the first of the genre, has often been overlooked, ignored, unappreciated, or just plain forgotten about.
But, as I write, there are rumours that another Academy-nominated Australian actress, Margot Robbie, is looking to produce & star in a reboot of the film (which would basically be her reprising her Harley Quinn character, surely?).

I like to think that the original ending of the film & the numerous parts that were edited out are still in existence somewhere, and they would definitely be interesting to see; this is one film that's just crying out for a Director's Cut.

Fin